Up My Own Ass

If he doesn’t just sit around his cell all day singing “Garbage Dump” and he actually reads a newspaper now and then, Charles Manson could very well be laughing his swastika-carved ass off right now. For “Helter Skelter,” ole crazy’s 1969 vision of a Revelations-like war between black and white America, just might come into fruition, regardless of who wins the presidential election in November.

As silly geese on both sides debate which candidate has jack squat for experience and which is going to die in office, a delicious product called “Obama Waffles” was being shopped around at the 2008 Values Voter Summit somewhere in the South last week. And liberals everywhere have called the gag racist.

Mind you, “waffle” means “a crisp cake of batter baked in a waffle iron.” So there’s hardly any racism there, unless you make the batter out of Swedes like my grammy used to cook ‘em. But there’s also the verb, “to waffle,” meaning “to flip-flop.” Here it refers to important political issues, such as gun control and leaving the toilet seat up.

Of course, guilt ridden liberals can find racism in a 10k. I don’t know what that means, but one need only utter the phrase “nappy headed ho” to see the truth in this statement. Not only is the Obama caricature on this box a problem, but waffles are only a few tasty steps away from Aunt Jemima, the uppity syrup peddler everyone loves to hate. Yet, none of these sensitive souls saw the double meaning of a black man standing behind a sign reading “Change.” That’s called “selective racism,” if you ask me.

If Reagan had the zany Alzheimer’s jokes, and Clinton was the tubby womanizer, and if Bush is an idiot and Hitler, for Pete’s sake, then Obamanians should be able to handle the theme from The Jeffersons as their campaign song and a little caricaturing here and there. If Bush can be drawn to look like Alfred E. Newman, then why shouldn’t Obama look like the trinket of the black boy eating a watermelon I bought at the town fair last spring? Otherwise, this could be a rough four to eight years. There will be a lot of walking on eggshells, both white and brown. Vogue couldn’t even get away with putting LeBron James on its cover with a white woman earlier this year without people shouting “King Kong!”

Obama forgave Joe Biden for saying in 2007 – and obviously Joe was forgetting about men like Colin Powell, Jimmy Walker, and Shaft – “You got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that’s a storybook, man,” then not only should political cartoonists not have to fear for their futures, but everyone from Michael Richards to Jimmy the Greek should be forgiven and embraced as well.

After all, Barack can just brush all of it off knowing that his mother is a cracker from Kansas and he grew up in Hawaii helping Tom Selleck solve crimes.