Up My Own Ass

When you think of swimming in the Congo, what do you imagine it to be like? I picture it a lot like the movie Piranha. Muddy water, tropical forest growing god-only-knows what kind of creatures in it and that is the one day you decide to go skinny dipping with a friend. Why not… she’s hot, you like each other, you are in the Congo so if gorilla rebels haven’t killed you already you’re probably going to get lucky.

So you pop out of your skimpies and hop in the river… wading out… enjoying your time there, thinking “Hey, this is pretty peaceful…”. Then you feel something brush against your leg. My guess, it was probably this:

It’s a far cry from the guppies and goldfish you used to get from the pet store… this is probably a fish I would capture and tame with my bare hands, but you… you wouldn’t stand a chance against it.

In the interest of science and good journalism I went ahead and looked up this fish on Wikipedia… it’s known as a Goliath Tiger Fish. I think it’s safe to say from the picture, that they gave this one a pretty good name…  I would have also voted for “Goliath You’re Fucked” fish, so I went ahead and added that to the Wikipedia entry for safe indexing.

The interesting part is that popping off of the Goliath’s page, it linked over to another kind of fish, the Candirú, a type of fish that is small, transparent and parasitic.

Hmmm parasitic… this is getting good. So the idea is that this thing is actually attracted to urine and blood… it will crawl up your dick (or elsewhere), pop out a bony spine to lock itself in place, and then just start kicking your ass.

I can only guess what that picture above is of… but one interesting tid-bit of information I ran across about getting a Candiru out of you is the following:

Natural Removal

A more expensive option is the use of two plants, the Xagua plant (Genipa americana) and the Buitach apple which are inserted (or their extract in the case of tight spaces) into the affected area. These two plants together will kill and then dissolve the fish. More often, the pain causes shock and death in the victim before it can be removed (ref: Candirú From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia).

So don’t worry… if you get one of these things latched up inside your urethra, they can shove plants in after it that will kill it… but most likely you first. So you are pretty much covered.

BTW, I just wrapped my penis in cellophane, and I’m not taking it off… ever.