Up My Own Ass

I love the news. I really LOVE the news:

7-year-old gets stuck in stuffed animal game machine

SHEBOYGAN (AP) — A 7-year-old boy had to be rescued with the help of a locksmith Saturday after crawling into a supermarket’s stuffed animal game machine while his father talked on the telephone.

Man Arrested After Reporting Pot Theft

McALLEN, Texas - A man was arrested for drug possession after telling authorities that two masked gunmen had stolen 150 pounds of marijuana from his home.

…Etc.

I didn’t used to love the news. In fact, even being a Journalism major, I would avoid it like the fat kid with man boobs avoids a balanced diet and excercise… because he has a thyroid problem.

I figured if I was out to save the world (as we all are in college, right?), I couldn’t let myself get beat down before I even began with the endless tales of terror and hopelessness. I opted instead to think of puppies and music and butterflies, and go about my merry way saving the world one person at a time.

Now that I’ve been smacked down by the hand of the man (as we all are after college, right?) and smashed into a swivel chair behind a computer screen clocking in and out according to someone else’s sense of reason and time for a lamentably disproportionate portion of my life… reality has settled in.

While I do have a window in my “office”, it is a window that looks out smack onto the side of the neighboring house. Yes, a never-changing view of that good old Arizona construction necessity: STUCCO.

But.

BUT!!! I also have CNN.com!!! And on CNN.com you get stories - headlines around the world, mind you - like THIS!

Playboy’s Hugh Hefner, girlfriend call it quits

But…but they looked so HAPPY together!

I mean if that’s not a match that’s meant to be, then I don’t know what is.

Apparently though, it was news to our 28-year-old blond bombshell, when the Playboy mogul told her they “would never wed or have children”.

Children??! I know you’re a “model/actress” (whatever THAT is), but try to stay with me here honey. Take your head off tilt for a second and maybe it will be easier for me to level with you.

82, sweetheart. Eighty. Two. Most 82-year-olds have dialysis machines in their radar, not plans for little ‘uns. You’re called a TRO-PHY. But seeing as how you’re one in a million, and not in a good way, the title ends there. At least some “omg!” girls get the full Trophy WIFE title, but you, hun, well…let’s let Pappy speak on the matter:

“It’s now apparent there will be some new faces in my personal life and on the show,” he said. “There’s been moments that I’ve been down in the dumps about all this, and (personal assistant) Mary (O’Connor) told me to cheer up and pointed out that there are girls lined up outside the front gate. At my age, that’s hard to believe, but it seems to be true.”

Good ol’ CNN reports that “the Playboy mogul expects to maintain a business relationship and friendship with Madison, who — along with Marquardt — originally was one of seven girlfriends living with Hefner in 2001 after his separation from Kimberley Conrad. Wilkinson was later asked to move into the Playboy Mansion in 2004. Hefner said he may again seek out seven — or more — girlfriends.

“It’s a big house,” he said. “And I’m not going to live alone. I’m definitely not going to live alone.” ”

That’s right, Hugh. Keep it, er…up.

Editor’s Note

I would like to take this chance to extend my deepest regrets to Holly Madison and wish her the best.

I would additionally like to say that I will marry you… I will marry the shit out of you.

You want kids? I’ll have 10 kids with you… I will freaking carry the kids to term and shove them out of my urethra. I’m committed to making this relationship work Holly.

I am prepared to do all of this because you seem… smart… really really smart. And I like intelligent, caring, accomplished boobs booooooobs boobs boobs bOOOObs women.

Besides marrying you, I will also give you first dibs any movies from my movie collection and allow you to touch my boxed Boba Fett and Han Solo Star Wars collectibles without wearing protective anti-static gloves.

In order to get the ball rolling on our new marriage agreement, I’ve FedEx’ed you a box of paperwork to sign along with a zip-lock bag full of my own blood and hair samples. Please enjoy this gift.

I can tell this is going to work out really well.

Sincerely,

The UMOA Editor