Up My Own Ass

When March Madness is over and the baseball season is only begining, that is the time for the major sports event of the year. I think you know which event I’m talking about.

WrestleMania is now a quarter of a century old as WrestleMania XXV is upon us. This is when wrestling fans say – So what if wrestlers are dropping dead by the dozens while the living ones are in wheelchairs? This shit is catching up with the Super Bowl in Roman numerals, and we have celebs, damnit!

This year’s main attraction is Oscar nominee Mickey Rourke, who portrayed Jake “the Snake” Roberts and at least 30 other aged grapplers in the wonderful film The Wrestler. Rourke will be in “Nature Boy” Ric Flair’s corner as he takes on his children in a handicapped match.

Some are saying the actor is Vince McMahon’s biggest WrestleMania get yet. An Oscar nominee! That hasn’t happened since Brando sent that Indian chick to break the Fabulous Moolah’s legs with a loaf of French bread at WrestleMania 2.

WrestleMania, like a Lakers game or a courtroom, is where the celebs have always shined. For one day a year a veritable Who’s Who attends the matches like it was the 30s when everyone thought it was real. Remember when Harpo Marx beat George Hackenschmidt for the title? Ah, the good ole days.

As we celebrate 25 years of WrestleMania, let us look back at the celebs who have sat and watched grown men in tights while wondering what happened to their own careers.

Celebrity involvement in WrestleMania has been pretty steady and ridiculous over the years. You can credit McMahon himself and his longtime desire to be great in something other than wrestling. He’s tried boxing, football, and body building. He’s tried singing and hosting a talk show. Celebrity-whore Vince always wanted greatness beyond the squared circle.

Looking back, I blame the success of the “Rock n’ Wrestling” gimmick of 1984-85. The pairing of Cyndi Lauper with Captain Lou Albano, and their feud with “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, gained a lot of attention. It probably shouldn’t have, but it did. Throw Hulk Hogan in there, I guess, and you’ve got something. Or maybe it was Lauper. Chaka Khan may not attracted nearly the audience.

This clusterfuck reached its peak at the very first WrestleMania. But let’s not forget the inaugural show’s other absurd attractions, such as guest ring announcer Billy Martin and guest timekeeper Liberace (joined by the Rockettes). Why does wrestling need a timekeeper, and why must it be Liberace no one ever clarified.  Way to bring the gay into wrestling with the first shot, Vince!

But Wrestlemania 1 was pure genius compared to the rich and famous that were gathered for Wrestlemania 2, where a boxing match (A boxing match!) between Piper and Mr. T was “judged” by NBA star Darryl Dawkins, G. Gordon Liddy, and Cab Calloway. How many names were thought of and phoned before that trio was confirmed. The corner men for this match were Lou Duva and Joe Frazier, because anyone to do with boxing would seemingly give this match some legitimacy.

Six NFL football players, including William “The Refrigerator” Perry, took part in a 20-man battle royal. Other celebs (Oh, yes, there were more!) included Susan St. James (commentating), Tommy Lasorda (ring announcer), Ozzy Osbourne (corner man), plus Burger King’s Herb and Wendy’s Clare Peller ((Where’s the beef?”), both from popular television ads of the day, and both as “guest timekeepers.”

Can you imagine having two icons of fast food commercials at your event? Ronald McDonald must have had the flu or else he surely would have been there.

Understand that this is only two years of WrestleMania thus far. Imagine the legend that lay ahead!

Well, Wrestlemanias that followed weren’t quite as abundant with celebs, but they did include interviews conducted by Bob Uecker, Mary Hart and Steve Allen; more exciting uest timekeeping by Vanna White, Jennie Garth, and Jonathan Taylor Thomas; ring announcing by Alex Trebek, Ray Combs, Burt Reynolds, and Donnie Wahlburg; instant replay sketches with Paul Maguire and George Steinbrenner; a World Title presentation by Robin Leach; plus an appearance by Morton Downey Jr., and performances by Run DMC, Robert Goulet, Willie Nelson, Reba McEntire, and Little Richard. Perhaps the worst was the Hair Club for Men’s Cy Sperling presenting a hairpiece to ring announcer Howard Finkel at Wrestlemania X.

Read all those names again. It’s absolutely breathtaking.

A couple of the really big ones were Lawrence Taylor, backed by Reggie White and other NFL stars, wrestling Bam Bam Bigelow at Wrestlemania XI, which also included Salt-N-Pepa performing “What a Man” for LT; and Mike Tyson as the “ringside enforcer” at Wrestlemania XIV. This Wrestlemania also featured an interview and some ring announcing from Gennifer Flowers, of the pre-Monica Lewinsky days.

Over the last ten years the celebrity appearances have diminished, as McMahon slowly realized that it was always the wrestlers that were the draw for most viewers. There have been mainstays such as Pete Rose and Donald Trump, both of whom have made numerous appearances through the years. Nowadays, you can be pretty certain that the equivalents of Herb and Liberace will not be appearing at wrestling events. At least not for WWE.

So, while Mickey Rourke, to me, was robbed of his Oscar, he’ll always have WrestleMania on his list of memories that came with his great performance.