Up My Own Ass

I have a confession to make. I watch The Hills. I have no good explanation for this, but – it is what it is. I have made a number of observations about the show and its delightful mélange of characters, and I would like to share them now with the whole world:

What the fuck is up with Spencer’s teeth? Seriously, I judge people a lot based on the condition of their teeth, and I find that fake white teeth are a good indicator of fake white people. His are by far the worst. In fact, I think his entire cubed head is in desperate need of a full-on Rubik makeover. Let’s go ahead and shave off that stubbly pubic facial hair, since facial hair on a blonde guy is absurd. Good facial hair should not make you think of a poorly maintained vagina.

Speaking of poorly maintained vaginas, what about that dim tit-stand of a girlfriend of his? That would be Heidi, to the uninitiated. Evidently her plastic surgeon had a two-for-one special on breast implants, and – in her confusion – she had a second set of breasts implanted into her lips. She is ugly in a way that gives ugly a bad reputation. She is also aggressively stupid, and, much like her beloved Spencer, she can’t close her paralytic lips around her Lee press-on horse teeth.

Next on my list is Lauren. Lauren is the perpetually overburdened damsel in distress. Her modus operandi is to be everyone’s best friend, only to scream at them later and cry about how everyone stabs her in the back. She hates Spencer and Heidi for starting a rumor that she made a sex tape with Jason…the funniest part of that is NOBODY GIVES A SHIT. The idea of watching any coital coupling of characters on The Hills makes my throat close up in the same way that it does if I think of eating pudding with cat hair in it. In fact, I just threw up a little.

The rest of the cast is comprised of insignificant props of Hollywood with stupid names (except for Whitney, she seems sweet). They all wear too much make-up and are as useful as tits on a bull. I think we should create a new show called Project Hills where we take this incredibly entitled cast of miscreants, and force them to move to the projects - maybe somewhere in south central Los Angeles. That would be a fun juxtaposition, I think. A full 9mm of reality inserted squarely into the rectum of The Hills.

Okay, so who’s gonna help me pitch this?