Up My Own Ass

Helter Skelter: An Inside Job?

Forty rockin’ years after the infamous Tate/LaBianca murders, world-renown Manson Family historian Doug Stanhope claims that the killing spree known as Helter Skelter was in fact an inside job.
And, while Stanhope might have mentioned this in passing via a MySpace status nearly a year ago, as the anniversary of the murders looms UMOA is pointing [...]

God, I Hate These Smarmy Atheists!

Atheism used to be just about not believing. Steve Perry would sing, “Don’t stop believin’,” atheists would answer, “Screw you, big nose,” and that was the extent of the rebellion.
“Sorry, Mr. or Mrs. Religious Person. I’m busy baking muffins and I’m a non-believer. Good day.”
That was it.
These days it’s gotta be a whole dog and [...]

Pirates!

When I think of pirates I think of Johnny Deep as Jack Sparrow, Hall of Fame slugger Willie Stargell, and the Long John Silver’’ seafood chain. I think of a big drunkard on a dilapidated ship with a hook, a peg leg, and a stupid parrot on his shoulder.

Popular culture has made pirates into silly [...]

Experts Say Hell to Freeze Over Within the Year

Son of a bitch! We have another pandemic on our hands and I ain’t the least bit pleased about it.
I heard on the news today that somewhere - I’m hearing Kansas or New York or Mexico – one of those places (you know what I mean) - swine flew! Flew! Oh, they tried to scare us a [...]

A Look Back at Celebrity Involvement at WrestleMania

When March Madness is over and the baseball season is only begining, that is the time for the major sports event of the year. I think you know which event I’m talking about.

WrestleMania is now a quarter of a century old as WrestleMania XXV is upon us. This is when wrestling fans say – So [...]

UMOA Exclusive: What Ever Happened to the Other Howard Stern?

With recent news that Anne Nicole Smith lawyer Howard K. Stern might have been responsible for the beloved model’s death two years ago, one or two people who might still give a shit are asking – Wait, is that other Howard Stern guy still alive?

Well, after shock jock Stern’s marriage to some horse faced model [...]

The Biggest Stand-up Comic in History

The premiere of a new season of one of television’s many dead horses is once again upon us. Greats like Joan Rivers, Dennis Rodman and Tom Green are starring in Celebrity Apprentice 2. Electric Boogaloo. (Sorry. I always have to throw that in with sequels.)
My eyes, like the peepers of many, will be on one [...]

Help me, Doc! I have March Madness!

March Madness. I’ve never had it. I’ve had spring fever. I’ve been cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. I even had a touch of the AIDS until I beat it with Robitussin. But I’ve never gotten March Madness.
Maybe it’s because I don’t watch college sports.
College, my Grampy used to say, is a time for cheating on trigonometry [...]

It’s All About Fat Erock

There’s a new sensation sweeping the nation. No, it isn’t Fate Rock. I don’t even know what that would be.
No, it’s FatErock.com, a Web site dedicated to radio producer Eric Nagel, AKA Erock, Hawk, Sex Bagel, Tank Hankerous, Hoagie Boy, and other unfortunate nicknames.
Consisting solely of photos of Nagal’s head Photoshopped onto an obese man’s (Yes, it’s [...]

It’s Still The Economy, You Dumb C***!

Hey, if you haven’t heard our economy is in dire straits. Many people are losing their homes and their jobs. That ain’t workin’. That’s the way you do it.
Some are affected. Or effected…Their lives suck, all right? Others couldn’t give a shite. Many are going out of their tiny little minds.
Take, for instance, George [...]

Critics Pan Steve Martin’s Second Raping of Peter Sellers’ Corpse

There should be a new rule in Hollywood:  no remaking comedies!
And they should call it The Steve Martin Rule. I’m going to write a screenplay for a remake of The Jerk, and I will try to make as grotesquely bad as Martin’s The Pink Panther revisits.
When I saw the remake of the classic 1967 comedy [...]

L Brent Bozell is NOT seeking Amy, Thank You!

Back in ye oldern days of my life – maybe first grade – a friend of mine asked me if I knew his friend Kay.
I told him no. And why? Is she a goer?
“Well,” he began, with apparently no intention of answering my question. “If you see Kay, tell her I said hello.”
I quickly used [...]