Up My Own Ass

There are television news stations throughout the country, even the planet - possibly the universe - offering “balanced news.” Coast to coast, in between the Doppler times Infinty weather report and sports man Buzz Shaftcrotch with his high school volleyball coverage, you are promised news that is “balanced” and/or “fair.” Maybe Rupert Pupkin and Fox News started this trend. Maybe they didn’t. Either way, screw them. And MSNBC too, the bastards.

I call shenanigans on all this “balanced news” business. Bravo sierra, I say! Some of these news stories are about as well-balanced as my diet. And, boy, do I ever enjoy the fast food and the sweets! That means my diet is definitely the opposite of balanced.

For example, the NBC affiliate in Tucson just ran a scare story about three “attempted abductions” of adorable little children in the area. All these folks apparently did was cruise on up to these kiddos and offer a ride or some delicious candy. First of all – you can’t do that? If a stray cat in my neighborhood is hanging around and I offer him or her a saucer of milk, is that an “attempted abduction?” I mean it might be. I have two dozen cats already.

And B.) the reporter ended the segment with the “balanced news” tagline. Well, I didn’t even hear the opposing view in this story. Where were the interviews with potential abductors pleading their cases? What about  the parents who would like to see their bratty kids taken away? And what about the boys and girls who are just asking for it? This is hardly “balanced” reporting.

This happens in other segments as well. You’ll never hear from anyone representing the other side of health stories, such as the many citizens who are pro-cancer. You won’t see anyone noting the good points of Hurricanes Gustav and Ike. And what about these stations that claim to be “on your side?” Hey, not if I’m an abductor, you’re not. Certainly not if I’m rooting against that high school volleyball team and perhaps wishing cancer on them.  On my side indeed. Where were you when I ran out of toilet paper?

You might call some of this news coverage “unbalanced,” “incongruous,” or even “horseshit,” having little to offer the viewer other than grey-haired old newsmen and beautiful young sidekicks. And, if you ask me, these news stations are the Abominable Snowman in need of the ostrich, or whatever that thing was, to show them what true balance is.