Up My Own Ass

The beautiful part about being able to post on this website is that you can tell anyone you want to go fuck themselves.  Case in point:  (and I really hope it plays)

phone-message.wav

This is what was waiting to greet my friend when she got to work on Tuesday morning.

Here is the backstory:  Dumb bitch changed her FSA (which she rather endearingly refers to as her ”FASCA”… aren’t stupid people cute when you can’t understand them?) withholding from $500 to $1000, and then got pissed off because they took the money out of her check.  Since it was for 2008, they had to hurry up and suck it out right away, as the year is almost over.

Here is the best part:  She showed up and pitched a fit, and they dug the money out of petty cash and gave it to her.

Now, this is a BIG company with LOTS of departments and regulations and procedures, but somehow this uneducated buffoon is able to strongarm them into giving her the money, even though my friend – the manager of the department that would be responsible for processing the return of the money – made it abundantly clear to everyone that they were not to acquiesce to these shenanigans.

Well, given that this did not pan out correctly, and now this delightful flower is undoubtedly telling everyone about how she went in and made the company give her the money back that they stole from her, I am going to respond accordingly.

Dear Lovely Lady from the Phone Message:

I don’t like your attitude.  If it were up to ME, you would never get that fucking money back.  In fact, I would arrange to have $500 taken out of every single one of your paychecks for the duration of your employment.  I would make it so that every claim you submit is denied a dozen times before it gets paid, effectively ruining your credit rating.  I would send out change of address forms and have all of your mail sent to Portland.  I would put hair in your food.  I would put pubic hair in your food.  I would put nits in your pubic hair.  I would contact your utilities and tell them that you moved…to Portland.  I would register you as a sex offender.  I would have a copy of the Book of Mormon hand-delivered to your door.  I would set your TiVo to cut the last 7 minutes off of every show.  I would make you soak a super-plus tampon every fifteen minutes.  I would make your nipples itch.  I would make you wear wool underwear.  I would lose your layaway.  I would tell your parents that you were a lesbian.  Finally, I would terminate your sorry ass.

But, I can’t.  What I CAN do is really, really hope you get written up for being such an insufferable bitch.

Happy Holidays!  MWUA!