Up My Own Ass

I have decided to write a NOVEL based on REAL LIFE EVENTS.  I am calling it BITCHES IS PSYCHO.

In this story, there has been a convergence of two uniquely and aggressively delusional ex-friends of the universally loved and revered main character, who have allowed their wondertwin powers to activate into the shape of a huge, hairy, angry, psychotic VAGASSHOLE.  These delightful drama farmers are both parasitic in nature, and they require a host from which to draw their emotional nutrients.  In my story, they find each other and fall madly in love, sadly, the love affair is doomed because they will both shrivel from a lack of attention in a desperate attempt to find each other’s teet from which to suckle. The character development is further enhanced by the fact that one is desperately seeking the approval and acceptance of the other one and will go to any lengths to get it, but the other one is a sociopath.  Also interesting, character A wants to befriend character B for her “connections,” only character B doesn’t like character A and has said so behind her back numerous times…a regular Laverne and Shirley, eh?

I have tried to think of a way to briefly give the details of the storyline, but it is so convaluted and multi-dimensional that I can’t even think of where to start.  Suffice it to say, both characters meet after the heroine of the story banishes them from her royal kingdom and forces them to eat each other’s shit.

Here are some details about the heroine:

1. She doesn’t trust anyone because all people suck.
2. She strongly advises that you not post nasty messages on a public forum if you don’t want a cyber-beatdown that will make you cry like the big, stinky pussy that you are.
3. She thinks girls should wash themselves more often if they make the chair stink when they sit in it.
4. She doesn’t lie and can’t stand a worthless, no good liar.
5. She has no problem laughing when people fail if they deserve it.
6. Karma IS a bitch, and she’s on HER side.
7. And, of course, the moral of the story:  if  ten people tell you that someone can’t be trusted, believe them.

Okay, I will admit that this novel is really more for MY enjoyment than anyone else’s, but please feel free to benefit from the protagonist’s poor choices when it comes to choosing “friends.”  I have modeled it after my lifelong ability to attract weirdos, simply because I have always thought you should give people the benefit of the doubt.  That is wrong.  Don’t ever give people a chance to fuck with you, because they will.

Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to have my spleen replaced with a bundle of burning sage.