Up My Own Ass

American terrorist supergroup PETA has requested that Vermont ice cream kingpins Ben and Jerry start using human breast milk in their delicious frozen treats in lieu of cow, goat and manatee milk, as they do now.

A PETA spokesperson said that Ben and Jerry were chosen because, unlike brands such as Baskin Robbins, Turkey Hill or Haagen-Dazs, these liberal douches are likely to fall for such nonsense.

PETA, the street name for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, is famous for, among other things, their ad campaigns which range from the incredibly sexy to the absolutely brutal. This move has received mixed reactions from those within the animal/breast milk community.

“This is completely gross,” said Max Floosenhousen of PAETA, Persons Against the Ethical Treatment of Animals. “I mean, why not just use human semen, for Pete’s sake?”

“It’s hot,” said adult film star Lance Cockthrust. “Breast milk is very hot.”

This is not the first time that PETA has had a go at big milk. In 2000 they began the ad campaign “Got Prostate Cancer?” which pissed off then-New York City mayor Rudy Guliani, whose prostate happened to be extremely cancerous. The organization has made many enemies within the world of celebrities, most notably Butt-head of the famous comedy team Beavis and Butt-head, who said to PETA in 1993, “If meat’s bad for you, then how come it’s food?”

Floosenhousen says that PETA is barking up the wrong tree.

“What about soy milk?” he said from his self-built military base in North Dakota. “These faggots like soy, right? They’re also forgetting that women are animals too, just like cows and the blacks.”

From his prison cell in California, “Nightstalker” Richard Ramirez said that PETA’s proposal doesn’t go far enough.

“If we’re gonna get milk from the broads,” Ramirez said. “Then why not meat too? We should start slaughtering women for food. Plain and simple.”

Homemade breast milk ice cream was actually tested on the legendary radio program The Opie and Anthony Show on Friday. Intern Pat Duffy, famous for brushing his teeth with dog feces and having his Russian gal pal kick him in the nuts repeatedly, sampled ice cream made from his own sister’s boobie milk, as did others on the show, including host Opie, who said the ice cream leaves a horrible aftertaste. An aftertaste, the show’s producer Hoagie Boy said, like rotten cantaloupe.

Even the presidential candidates weighed in on the titty milk topic in Friday night’s debate: Senator McCain saying he lived on his own breast milk for five years in the Nam, and Senator Bill Cosby with AIDS saying he prefers chocolate milk.

If indeed Ben and Jerry go through with the idea, a whole new line of flavors will be introduced, including Titty Fruity and Vanilla Jugs, plus possibly some celebrity squeezed flavors, such as Cherry Charlize (Theron), Paris (Hilton) Pecan, and Rocky (Tara) Reid.