Up My Own Ass

I was recently introduced to a brand new word that made me wish I had the power to inflict incapacitating hemorrhoids on the person that thought of it.

Recessionista.

According to the first few Google matches, a “recessionista” is someone who can manage to look stylish on a budget.  Really?  Or does it really mean, “a person who is in total denial over the fact that their entire life savings was sucked dry and who lacks the intestinal fortitude to believe that they rank among the ever increasing population of po’ folks?”

I believe we are really referring to the second group of people.  You see, there are  two kinds of poor people; those that were once well-off, but are now struggling to make ends meet, and those that have never had a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of…

Now, those of us who have never really had anything more than a paycheck-to-paycheck existence find it very difficult to feel any sympathy for the recent wave of nouveau poor.  In fact, I think it’s great.  Welcome to my world, folks.  I also find it a bit offensive that these people that lived well beyond their means – taking ridiculous adjustable rate mortgages just to live in a house with granite countertops and a jetted bathtub that they can’t truly afford and driving around in an SUV with TV screens – are now trying to redefine the entire concept of being broke, just so they can continue living in denial.  Hell, they even managed to change “food stamps” to “nutritional assistance”…right.  It’s still government cheese, bitches.

So, now, when I borrow someone’s copy of Redbook during my lunch break, I have to read about how the recessionistas are adapting to living on a budget.  Evidently they managed to figure out there there are stores that sell skirts and blouses for less than $600 each.  That leaves enough money for their Starbuck’s!

What a fucking relief!!!

Lemme make a few things perfectly clear.  As I said, I am glad to see how far the mighty have fallen.  It does my heart good.  These are the folks that did EVERYTHING exactly right.  They finished college, invested wisely, and were on target to retire well, so they felt perfectly justified in calling the rest of us lazy and stupid, and they certainly would never deign to help someone in such a lowly state, because anyone willing to accept assistance like that must be lazy, stupid, and dishonest, right?   I mean, what self-respecting, able-bodied  person would “live off the system” like that?  If you are poor, you just aren’t working hard enough and therefore you deserve to have to suffer and struggle…right?  I believe that’s pretty much how the logic flows.

So now we have these same folks not knowing whether to shit or go blind.  They don’t know HOW to be poor…it never occurred to them for one second that they would be in this situation…poverty that they didn’t plan for or deserve.  This is not a proper reflection of the hardworking, creative, money-savvy person that they REALLY are…THIS isn’t their fault.  Ergo, they aren’t really poor…

Well, I am sure that this, too, shall pass.  As quickly as the money disappeared, it will be replenished triple-fold in a sudden investment upturn.  We will no longer need to say “recessionista” because they will, once again, afford to be the spendy, trendy bitches that they were before they lost all their money, and they will quickly return to their old beliefs about “poor people,” only this time they will add a new part about how “if WE managed to recover from the recession, then anybody can, and if you are still poor then you are lazy, stupid, dishonest, and UNMOTIVATED.”

Yeah, that sounds about right.

But, for the moment, I will bask in this economy like it is sunshine and I will share my government cheese and free health care with everyone who needs it.  We are all equal for now, so let’s be friends.  Too soon will you all again be burdened by a six-figure income, regularly scheduled spa treatments, and botox parties.  For this day, let us celebrate the simplicity of  a negative cash flow.

Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we BUY!!!