Up My Own Ass

Have you had the joy of this happening to you as well?

You’ve had a long week, you finally decided to go see the new hot movie opening weekend so you get off work, rush home, collect your significant other and rush off to the theater where you pay $20 for tickets and another $317 for a large popcorn and a soda (that you can get 1 free refill on).

You rush into the theater 3 hours early so you can grab the good seats in the front that have the metal bar running in front of them so you can kick your feet up and then you just relax… because you’ve finally made it.

The prime seating will guarantee that the movie is better for you than anyone else in the theater (naturally) and as long as you or the person you are with don’t have to go to the bathroom, you are all set.

That was me a few weekends ago, I went to go see Wanted.

We got our seats, hunkered down and watched the trivia reel cycle about 9 times before the movie started. But before that can happen, you get to watch the 4mins of ads and then the 15mins of trailers.

One thing I noticed about the trailers is that they don’t turn the lights down all the way during them. They leave them on about 1/2 power so late-comers (or “shit-fuckers” as I call them) can find their way to their seats.

While we were working our way through a few trailers and waiting for Wanted to start, we saw a family of 8 saunter into the theater with 2 small children (maybe ages 6 and 8?) pushing a goddamn stroller.

At this point you try and figure out which one of the two kids fits in the stroller… both we too big, so just our luck that means the Beverly Shitberries just brought a goddamn infant into  Wanted… you know, because it’s a fun family romp with extreme gore and partial nudity.

At three points during the movie the infant started to cry, and instead of the parents scooping it up and running out the theater with it, they blindly reached over and rocked it… trying to get it to settle down while they kept watching; you know, because it was their house we were in and we should be thankful they invited us over to watch this movie with them.

The first two times the baby settled down pretty quickly but I was happy to hear during the climax of the movie that the 3rd time shit-lungs started up again he took quite a bit to calm down… luckily the parents never left the theater with him, so they didn’t have to worry about missing any of the movie. They just sat there, occasionally staring at each other with a “Well, what should we do? Maybe he’ll grow out of this if we wait long enough” stare.

Eventually he quieted down and I stopped screaming at them.

I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. I think there needs to be a nation-wide ban on sex… the real root of the problem here.

I’d even settle for taking different show-times at theaters that were “baby friendly” while prime-movie times on opening weekends wouldn’t be on that list, and you wouldn’t be sitting in my theater with your little mistake letting it cry while I continue to not-hear the dialog.