We have always been big supporters of activities that involved boobs either directly or indirectly so when we heard the news that Tera Patrick was signed on to co-produce an already fun-looking Saints Row 2, we got pretty excited… in our pants… but also about the game… but mostly in our pants.

While we are also heavily involved in church and church-related activities, we don’t see a problem to involving an ex porn-star-turned-producer in a controversial sandbox shooter like Saints Row 2.

We think THQ and Volition are playing the “Our game will give you boners” card with this one; hoping that teenage boys and lonely men will get sucked into the marketing hype surrounding the game and purchase… <click> it without even <click> waiting to read any reviews <… confirm credit card…> about the game. Cause that’s just what we they do… living in their parent’s guest room covered in Cheetos cheese and smelling like Herpes.

In all honestly… we can’t really think of a better game to get a porn star involved with… maybe Duke Nukem Forever, but that’s never coming out and stuck so far up it’s own ass that involving God himself in it wouldn’t make a difference.

Have you ever sat down to play the latest fighter or adventure game, thought it was decent and almost gotten to the point of turning it off until you ran across a character (or characters) in the game that were half-dressed, had giant breasts and suddenly made you want to try and get on your hands and knees infront of the TV to see if you could see anything more than you could already see from the couch?

I think you have… we all have (and if you haven’t, you are either gay or gay… or maybe gay… or a liar, take your pick)

If you don’t think boobs are that intricate of a part of gaming, consider that boobs saved Techmo with the Dead or Alive series… based entirely around the characters huge boobs (and the first time “jiggly effects” and boob physics made it into a main-stream game).

Since then more games have taken it upon themselves to properly address breasts in games… immediately making the games more awesome. Consider the following development note from the Mortal Combat developers:

When talking about Mortal Kombat and breast physics, this only applies to the recent titles that in the series. This includes Deadly Alliance, Deception, and the upcoming Armageddon. The breast physics in this game seem a bit odd. Probably the best way to describe it is that it moves like very stiff jello. The games even went as far as to add bruising and bleeding. Sometimes matches would end in a pair of bloody breasts.

OK… maybe not sexy, I’ll give you that, but still important enough to allocate a development team to solve that problem… that’s fucking awesome. If that was a female dev team, they would have been like:

Let’s make a good game with a good story that has well defined characters and plot twists and is fun to play alone or with a friend… and make it sell for like $20.

See, women would actually have to make a good game, where as men just add jiggly breasts, rebox the same shit we played last year, and sell it back to us for $60 again… brilliant.

NOTE: I think I want more female game designers in the industry after I wrote that last sentence.

Ir-un-dis-regardless of how I feel about the quality of story telling in male-driven-development games, you do have to appreciate the attention paid to dressing, sometimes the lead character, almost half naked just so they can either battle to the death or solve a crime… that stuff doesn’t happen in real life, and I need people looking out for me to make sure it happens somewhere… otherwise I’m packing my bags and moving into my brain… and if I do that, I’m not coming back.

You got any favorite games that drove the boobs-point home?

And as a bonus, animated Mai from Street Fighter (you know, the one that has the giant ninja-pillows):

For a heads up on some great boobs coming soon in games, check out Soulcalibur IV!

A few weeks ago a new MMORPG that may be the best candidate to rival World of Warcraft came out: Age of Conan.

One of the big stinks about Age of Conan is that it’s an M-rated adventure game (fuck yes) featuring nudity and extreme gore (and my goddamn g4ngk1ng the mad l00tz!)

As with any project the size of a true MMORPG, there is no real release… the game changes over time, grows and adjusts based on user demand. For example, World of Warcraft is quite a bit different now than from what was first release back in 2004.

One of the most recent patches for Age of Conan had the seemingly terrorism-supporting side effect of shrinking players yam-yams… their jubblies… their chest-luggage… their twin towers (ohhhhhhhhh too-soon-burn) as can be seen below from a player’s before and after shots:

(Click for larger shots)

One thing to note immediately is the player’s complete inability to function inside the virtual world in the second screenshot. Notice how in the first picture he’s taking charge, solving crimes and getting ph4t l00tz while in the second screenshot he’s just standing there incapable of thought? No motivation to continue?

{smartads}

Second thing to note is that the game supports nudity and he chose to grab comparison screenshots with clothes on… so fuck you guy on the forums. Next time pay attention.

With players ranting to FunCom that they will stop playing the game unless the cans of glory are restored, FunCom issues a press release that confirmed the boob-decrease was a side effect of them thinking the internet pervert population had declined, and that “massive cannage” would be restored shortly.

So let that be a lesson to you internet:

• M-rating
• Game has boobs
• One of the biggest MMO launches in history
• Boobs are decreased, players riot

Ergo, put boobs in every game.

BTW, I also run a day care if anyone is interested.

Update #1: It seems that FunCom has seen the error of their ways and will be reinstating mammary-mania shortly. Good… so I guess I can keep playing <takes pants back off>

Well it’s official, the internet being a haven for sexually-frustrated young men that prowl Google Images for pictures of boobs, YouTube for the off-chance that someone snuck a risky video under the radar or prowling Metacafe for the hot-lesbian-make-out videos, has officially ended.

Fathers, you no longer have to worry about your daughters posting sexy-dance videos of themselves online, because the audience just isn’t there for it anymore.

Consider the following video of this young man’s girlfriend trying to enjoy a good game of Wii Fit:

Hilarity didn’t ensue… no one took a foot to the face, fell into a table or got naked.

Harmless fun, we don’t have to worry about internet perverts scouring this, watching it time after time after time after time hoping that on the 7th run through maybe she trips and her shirt flies off… or decides to strip down to nothing just incase the Wii Fit suggested it.

On the left here you see the top-posts from Digg (the social news site) today…

Clearly, the previously huge population of sexually-frustrated men on the internet has been replaced by a huge glut of lesbians.

I know, I know… I never saw it coming either, but the data is irrefutable… there are huge roving bands of lesbians on the internet, watching, rewatching, sharing and voting on half-naked girls doing stuff in web videos.

Listen, I understand, you are clearly shaken up by this. The only thing I can recommend is maybe watching the hot lesbians make out again… or maybe watch this girl hula hoop some more… she is pretty good at it, but I did notice on Frame 327 of the movie that she messed up and lost a point sooooo maybe if I rewatch this a few more times she’ll get it right?

I better yell tips at the screen just to encourage her… maybe I’ll get her some flowers… I wonder if she like tulips…

<pressing face against the screen moaning>

If you were asked what the one thing wrong with World of Warcraft was, you would say: “It has no nudity in it!”, even though you are a pervert, you’d be right.

Unfortunately for us, Blizzard has ignored my emails, phone calls and packages full of example renders and mockups, every Wednesday, since launch, requesting that they add nudity to World of Warcraft.

Fortunately for me, a humanitarian/adventurer, and you, a depraved pervert, FunCom has finally released their Age of Conan MMORPG to rave reviews… rave boobs reviews:

Awesome? Check

Boobs? Check

Blood? Check

I applaud FunCom for having the courage, skill and common-sense to include topless women in their game. Science has long taught us that boobs are really the only reason males play just about any game… they motivate us, comfort us and help us see the difference between right and wrong. They are the life-givers.

List me off any game that had boobs in it, and I’ll show you an unplayable mess if you take that same game and remove the boobology from it. It’s proven gaming science that once you remove that carrot, the attention span of the male gamers playing turns from fun and enjoyment to suicide.

So next time you want think about boycotting nudity in games, think again… you could be killing someone.