This is an extended 5-min trailer for the upcoming The Day the Earth Stood Still movie.

The thing that interests me the most about these world-catastrophy type movies is either what happens to us, or how we get out of it. Movies like Independence Day solve that problem by throwing layers of absolute retardation ontop of the problem to solve it while movies like War of the Worlds are a hair more believable, but still suffer the Signs-problem, more specifically: “Why didn’t a hyper-intelligent alien race realize the planet they were invading would kill them?”

In the trailer for The Day the Earth Stood Still, all I see happening is mankind getting straight pwned. I have no idea how we are going to save the planet in this one, but I’m still interested.

And as far as Keanu Reeves’s acting goes, I’ve never had a problem with it. He’s a freaking alien, he’s suppose to be deadpan. I dig it.

I don’t care if you aren’t Clint Eastwood fans, I am making you Eastwood fans because he’s a badass. It’s not that he acts like one… he just is. He can’t help it, it’s in his blood. It’s like asking Stallone in the most recent Rambo to pet a putty and kiss a kitten… he wouldn’t know how to process what you said, so he’d probably just punch a hole through your stomach and out your back.

What happens when you get a grizzled old man that is an ex-war vet that is getting more pissed off at his life and then mix that with some punch teenagers that push him? Ohhhh hells yea, that’s right. You get an old-school ass kicking… crazy-old-man-style. Gran Torino:

We’ve all seen The Dark Knight by now, yes?. If you haven’t there something wrong with you. It’s a rare occurrence for me nowadays, going to see the motion pictures, what with the ass-raping that is ticket and food prices. But how can anyone not be a part of the phenomenon that is The Dark Knight? Christian Bale, and the new great director of our time Christopher Nolan, have resurrected the franchise. And Heath Ledger’s impeccably-timed death has turned the film from just another great movie into perhaps the greatest film ever made. Thank you, Mary-Kate Olsen!

Fans and critics everywhere have lauded Ledger’s performance as nothing short of genius. Indeed, perhaps he was so into his role as The Joker that it drove him mad and he was just feasting on pills like Elvis - Stojko, the Canadian figure skating champion. Boy, can that fella knock down the yellow submarines!

While I did enjoy Ledger’s portrayal immensely, I could very well see from where he obtained his inspiration.

Ledger’s Joker seems, at first, a tremendous homage to the first film Batman, Michael Keaton, and his role as Beetlejuice in the appropriately titled Beetlejuice, and then, perhaps, many of the roles Johnny Depp has played, from Sam in Benny & Joon to Captain Jack in the Pirates of the Caribbean series. Oh, wait a silly goose that Johnny is! And so sexy!

But there was more.

I was amazed to see a little bit of Al Franken’s Saturday Night Live character Stuart Smalley in Ledger’s performance, which gave me a new appreciation for how creepy Franken’s character really was.

Could the late Mr. Michelle Williams have studied this wonderfully zany SNL character played by the arch nemesis of Bill O’Reilly?

But then came the true genius in the character. Ledger’s Joker seemed to have been borrowed freely from the one place where the acting always gets knocked - professional wrestling.

Any fan will tell you that some of the greatest villains, or heels, in pro wrestling history are very apparent in the central villain of The Dark Knight. The laughter, the absolute madness, it all seemed derivative of classic wrestling heels like “Rowdy” Roddy Piper in the mid-80s, and Cactus Jack of the early to mid-90s.

This, however, is still merely the tip of the Joker iceberg, because by the end of the film it was clear to me that Ledger had spent many hours viewing the matches and interviews of one wrestler in particular: Doink the Clown.

Fans of Vince McMahon’s World Wrestling Entertainment of the 90s should remember that prior to the Doink character’s ill-advised baby face (or good guy) turn in 1994, Doink was an evil, evil clown, always laughing and just making an incredible amount of trouble for everyone. Over the years there were many wrestlers who portrayed Doink, but from ‘92 to ‘94 it was a man named Matt Borne who pretty much created the gimmick and played the role wonderfully. It was this Doink, I believe, that Ledger studied.

So, when the time comes, and Ledger is posthumously given the Academy Award for Best Actor next March, I declare that it should be “Maniac” Matt Borne who accepts the award on Heath’s behalf, says, “Well done, Mr. Ledger!” as he points to the Heavens, and then bashes the presenter, hopefully Adam Sandler, over the head with the trophy and proceeds to kick and punch him in classic heel style, maybe even getting a chair shot or two on him.

For this is how the Joker should be remembered.

In the Internet age, when thieves from Green Day, Avril Lavigne and Coldplay to comic hatchet men Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia are all being called out on a daily basis for borrowing freely from other artists, you would think that fucking Steven Spielberg and DreamWorks would know better. But no. The company is finally being sued by the estate of Cornel Woolrich. Who the hell is he, you ask? He wrote the short story “It Had to Be Murder,” which served as the basis for the classic Alfred Hitchcock film Rear Window, starring James Stewart, Grace Kelly and Raymond Burr.

And it was a long time coming, because, if you were silly enough, like I was, to watch the abortion of a film Disturbia, you clearly saw that it had Read Window scribbled all over it. This ain’t even an iffy case. Give Woolrich his money. If you took the Hitchcock film and put it in a bucket, then added about 10 pounds of cow shit, and mixed it all up, you’d have Disturbia, which somehow chalked up a 67 percent rating on RottenTomatoes.com, finally proving that a good two-thirds of American film critics are either hacks or just plain stupid.

If you’re one of the many, many lucky ones who haven’t seen this catastrophe, there may be spoilers to follow. I don‘t care. Neither should you. Not that you don’t know what’s gonna happen, because if you haven’t seen Rear Window, then there’s clearly something wrong with you. The movie (the DreamWorks piece of cow shit that is) begins with a lovely, pukingly touching moment between father and son. They’re fishing together and having a dandy ole time. It might as well be a tampon commercial. Already you’re like, “Okay, worst opening scene in recent film memory.” Then you’re thrown a li’l curve in the form of a tragic car accident. Holy crap. Now something’s happening. But that’s as good as it gets. Then the movie gets painfully mundane for another 40 or so minutes. Come on, movie, do something!

Finally it becomes Rear Window, starring someone named Shia LaBeouf as “Kale,” or as I call him - Lames Stewart. The only thing more awful than the character name “Kale” is the name Shia LaBeouf. What in the Sam Hill is that? It’s like someone took Beowulf and queered him up a bunch. This is a female impersonator’s stage name, for fuck‘s sake. Maybe the birth certificate said “Shit” and somewhere along the way it was changed.

A very brief, like I give a shit, search on ole Shia turns up that he was in the recent Indiana Jones movie, and his father was a clown. I’m already bored. Stop making movies, Shia Wayne Gacy!

Opposite pukey teen Jimmy Stewart are beautiful, we-couldn’t-get-Jessica-Biel-so-this-model-twat-will-have-to-do Sarah Roemer as Ashley; and Aaron Yoo, as Ronnie, Kale’s Korean friend. Did you know that Roemer started modeling when she was 15 and Zzzzzzzz….? And, hey, Aaron Yoo Suck is going to be in Zzzzzzzzzzzzz….? God, who cares. Both sorta play the Grace Kelly role in this crapfest. So we’ll refer to Ashley as “Disgrace Kelly,” and Ronnie as “Disgrace Kerry.”

This movie smells like a film made solely for the opening weekend box office (not that all films aren’t). “We’ll get the kids, man. They’ve never seen Rear Window. We’ll even give it a cool name, man. Disturbia, man. It’s like we took the word ‘suburbia’ and combined it with ‘disturb,’ and magic was made.” Well, I was perturbia at this turdia of a motion picture.

This hunk of garbage was directed by someone named D.J. Caruso, who I can only imagine is actually a DJ in some club in California who decided to make a movie with his buddies. Or maybe he’s David Caruso’s brother, who’s as bad at directing as David is at acting. If you’re the kind of male filmgoer who sees movies because they contain scenes with hot chicks in bikinis, then you may want to suffer through Disturbia. Otherwise, watch a snuff film or some gay pornography. You’ll hate yourself a lot less. Everyone tied to this movie, especially screenwriters Christopher B. Landon and Carl Ellsworth, deserve not only to be branded as the rip-off artists they are, but quite possibly shot, including Spielberg and the other asses that make up DreamWorks. Only a fourth Shrek movie could ever be worse than this. But, guess what? That’s coming too. Go get ‘em, estate of Cornel Woolrich, Take down this damn company.

This is the same film studio, mind you, that produced the 2005 Michael Bay film The Island, a disaster that bared a striking resemblance to a film called Parts: The Clonus Horror, which I and everyone else only saw via Mystery Science Theater 3000. Can’t DreamWorks be shut down for this? Not just for these two instances, but for the 2006 teen flick She’s the Man, which was just too damn similar to the 1985 comedy Just One of the Guys, as well as for Just Like Heaven, which looked a hell of a lot like Ghost.

Will DreamWorks continue stealing from films ranging from classics to absolute shite? Stay tuned.

Going into this, I had no idea what it was, but god… I’d really suggest you give it a watch. It looks like Summer of Tears is a group of folks that re-edit and green-screen themselves (pretty damn well) back into some original scenes of classic movies, adding some awesome lines and cut-aways as if the original movie included them, but all in the name of comedy.

This one is them re-doing Teen Wolf and is just awesome, give it a watch:

The “Break it Down” Blog introduced us to the upcoming Oscar-winning family movie: Tokyo Gore Police back in April with the first teaser trailer, but it seems that a new trailer and more gooder trailer has come out for the movie, really going into depth and showing how the characters are developed.

For film fans out there or just fans of good movies… or nuns… or possibly the Pope, you probably want to check this trailer out.

See? Good Christian family fun.

The box-office darlings have made a life-altering, earth-shattering, we’re-sorry-there-will-be-no-second-coming-of-the-messiah-after-all and by-the-way-there-is-no-Santa-Clause crushing announcement that has sent thousands running to petitionspot.com to cry to the producers about how it’s not fair, and how they’re just in it for the money (what is this, Hollywood or something?), and various other “Please Harry put on your clothes and come back to Hogwart’s” pleas.

By the way, I find it fascinating-like-a-traffic-accident that the petition to “Bring Misty back to Pokemon” scores a mind-boggling 28,119 and counting signatures (who the hell ARE you freaks!?), and that, of course, “Harry Potter you make me wet” brings in a non-stop string of 313,414,824,581,104,382+ names as fans try to make a difference in their world. And that’s in the past three days alone.

Speaking of making a difference in the world, meanwhile “Stop Retailers from Wasting Paper on Receipts to save our earth” draws in a whopping 80 signatures - in nearly two MONTHS.

But back to the important things. Harry Potter fans may have to wait another eight months before watching their bespectacled beloved. But Warner Bros president Alan Horn is ready with coddling words to soothe the already-picketing fans.

“We would never do anything to hurt one of the movies or the series. We love our fans.” (We just love our money more. WAY more!)

(Oh and there is no Easter Bunny either.)

Chocolate Thunder, the new Stiller-Black-Downey Jr. vehicle, has been released to rave reviews from most, but not from that one group of characters that all filmmakers target: the special.

Of course, all parents tell their children that they’re special, but here I mean “special,” as in “Olympics,” “needs,” and “Stop eating those pennies.” Members of the Special Olympics, who worked so closely with the Farrelly Brothers to make The Ringer such a hilariously sensitive film, are upset that Tropic Thunder uses the R-word a little too freely. Thus, they have called upon all retard-friendly citizens to boycott the film, a difficult task considering comedies and action movies are usually targeted to retards in the first place.

Hearing the call, groups of Special Olympians have already been seen picketing Hulk Hogan’s Thunder in Paradise, a number of grocery stores carrying Tropicana products, and a few bowling alleys.

Filmmakers have taken note that the simple way to avoid future protests from the special will be to use the newest term for those people, “fucktards,” or to have Tom Hanks play the character and run and play ping pong a lot.

If you can’t handle this shit… get out of the kitchen.

Actually, now that I think about it, what are you doing in the kitchen in the first place? Make me a sammich and then go relax with some vacuuming! I might let you sit at my feet while I watch TV later.

Saying you are sick of seeing the teaser posters for Rob Zombie’s upcoming movie Tyrannosaurus Rex because they seem juvenile is like saying you don’t want to go out because you are having your period and you feel sensitive… and you’re bloated… and your a guy. It sounds to me like someone needs to brush up on how to find his nut-sack.

What exactly is the downside of a movie poster that has a bearded monster, fighting dinosaurs that are on fucking fire while on a motorcycle with a woman that is half-dressed?

Oh my bad, it’s juvenile… I guess because it’s not going to win an Oscar we should just nix that one right off the list. Who cares about gore and nudity, not me… I’d rather watch a movie about feelings and forbidden love that fights societies acceptance just to be together.

That’s way better than a dude killing a dinosaur with his bear-hands and saving a chick who misplaced all her clothes… or can’t seem to find anything bigger than a napkin to wear.

Let me know when you grow a pair and we can hang out; until then I’ll probably be able to find you in the Vagina isle of Target.

Thanks Ladies!

What was wrong with the first Punisher? Tom Jane is a badass, there were guns and bad guys and a montage scene in which he built an entire car… what was missing?

Gore!

You don’t make a movie like Punisher, from a comic founded in mostly punishing people and skip the gore. There was the typical cheese-action-violence, but not the over-the-top gore fest from annurism-town that was required.

Unfortunately Jane has too much good sense to want to be associated with what Punisher 2 turned into: Punisher: War Zone - an over-the-top gore fest on par with the likes of Dead Alive or Riki-Oh:

I don’t even care how good or bad the script is… who cares when people are punching their fists through dudes faces. When that happens, you pretty much stop asking yourself: “Is this going to win an Oscar?”

You should be asking yourself: “How come I’VE never punched through someone’s face?”… maybe because you are a pussy?

Check out the Punisher: War Zone Red-Band Trailer:

Thanks IWatchStuff!

So I was browsing around NetFlix, looking for documentaries on space travel, charity work, parenting and knitting when I ran across The Breastford Wives (a knock off of The Stepford Wives… which was arguably no better).

The description of the movie is what caught my attention and made me realize this was practically a documentary on a real place:

… Rob and Laura are visited by the town’s luscious and insatiable Women’s Association. The Breastford wives’ libidos are in overdrive, and Rob and Laura set out to uncover the truth … no matter what it takes.

So it seems that Rob and Laura have rented and U-Haul and moved directly into my penis’s fantasy… to bad for them, because right after the “insatiable Women’s Association” part ends, there are sharks with cauliflower-hands that show up.

Another review of the movie I read is that both Rob and Laura are forced to sleep with all the women in the Women’s Association to get to the bottom of the mystery; which ends up being a device that makes all the women super-horny.

Where are people actually having problems like these? I need to know, because I have an innate desire to help people… from all walks of life. More importantly, I want to secure this decide and ensure that is researched correctly, with the proper due-diligence required (by leaving it in my pants).

Ok calm down, just breathe… that’s right, breathe. I went and saw Indiana Jones 4 opening night (I waited to post about it until now just to build suspense because you all hang on my every word) and it was… great.

*** SPOILER WARNING ***

This post will contain major spoilers, so stop reading if you haven’t seen it yet and want to, click to read more after the jump…

… I’m serious… there are a lot of spoilers below… you should stop.

Seriously… don’t be a dick, stop reading…

<head-fake>

ahhhh! Ok fine, I guess you are here for the long haul, anway…

Some folks didn’t like it as much as I did because of the whole “alien” premise and I can understand why, but the movie felt very Indiana-Jonesy.

I think the alien thing alienated (HAHAHA!!!! Suck on that dictionary) people that were used to the religious/relic undertones of the previous Indiana Jones series. And honestly, the alien thing isn’t explained very clearly at all in the movie… they are just hunting down this relic trying to figure out what the dillio is with it and it turns out to be an alien’s face… and it’s magnetized… and has psychic powers.

hmmm now that I think about it, the plot did sort of not make that much sense, unless this is a setup for more Indiana’s to come?

Harrison Ford did a great job, reprised the character perfectly, Shia Lebouf was a perfect addition to the team and the whole reunited-with-his-old-flame twist worked way better than I thought it would.

Overall I’d say a 8/10 if you are in a good mood, or a 7/10 if you go in expected to be dazzled and get your hopes all up.

I didn’t plan on posting this, but having seen this movie twice and no one I know actually knowing what the movie was, I always felt that the fight scene in They Live between the two main characters was epic… not epic in the choreography but epic in the sheer lack of it… these fuckers looked like they were actually beating eachother into submission and it just keeps going.

I would have been pissing blood at some point during this take or atleast popped a disk out of my back… click the link to see the other 9 (I agree with a lot of them… some very entertaining fight scenes in there).

PSA: So it seems that it’s not George Lucas’s writing that destroyed the Star Wars franchise, but rather his directing. Luckily Spielberg was at the helm with this film and rumors have it that it doesn’t suck… it’s actually pretty damn good.

Luckily that won’t stop us from speculating exactly how Lucas could have, and might already, decide to retard-up this release:

• Release, re-release and re-re-release special editions of previous Indiana Jones
  • You know it’s coming, you know he’s gonna do it and you know you are going to buy it. Him re-releasing coughed up shit versions of the same movie 10+ times isn’t his problem, he likes money just like the rest of us… it’s your problem for buying every release.
• Forcing famous quotes in “I HATE snakes…”
  • I wouldn’t worry about it… Spielberg is directing, I think he can see shit lines and shit delivery from a mile away (unlike our beard-ier friend apparently can “<restard child voice>Are you an angel?</voice>”
• Using too much CG
  • This was one thing that bugged me about the trailer… did you notice the scene where the stairs grow out of that closing stone temple or when they go running through the water and the gears? Looked really fake… atleast they had the sense to keep the CG on par with the 1980s effects… oh wait, that’s not a good thing =/

Now to blow your goddamn mind right open, 10 things you didn’t know about the original Indiana Jones:

1. Tom Selleck was George Lucas’s original choice for the role but had to turn it down due to his commitment to the US TV series Magnum PI.
2. Indiana Jones was actually Indiana Smith until the first day of shooting.
3. The famous scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where Indy shoots the man dramatically wielding a scimitar was improvised by Harrison Ford. It is rumoured he was suffering from piles and didn’t want to do the extended fight scene that was planned.
4. Sean Connery, who played Indy’s father in The Last Crusade, is only 12 years older than Harrison Ford.
5. Renowned British wrestler and Auf Wiedersehen Pet star Pat Roach was killed twice in Raiders of the Lost Ark (as a Sherpa in the bar fight and as the Nazi pugilist who meets the wrong end of a propeller) and is pushed into a rock crusher in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
6. Harrison Ford got his distinctive chin scar in a car crash in his 20s.
7. R2-D2 and C3PO, the robots from Star Wars, can be seen in the hieroglyphics in the Well of Souls in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
8. The “chilled monkey-brains” in Temple of Doom were actually made from custard and raspberry sauce.
9. Steven Spielberg and George Lucas play missionaries in the airport at the start of Temple of Doom.
10. Indiana Jones’ horse in The Last Crusade was also John Rambo’s horse in Rambo III.

So there you have it… if you didn’t want to see the movie before, you sure as hell want to see it now. I’d suggest standing up at your desk and just walking out of the office to go see it.

All I can say is Hell Yes. I was one of the (few?) that loved the original X-Files movie… I had to see it 3 times before I even understood what it was about that that means it’s a good movie.

I also have an IQ of 44.

Not too surprising, it looks like the Speed Racer remake from the Wachowski Bros (5 years after the last Matrix) sucked donkey balls just as the trailer implied it would.

There was all this buzz about the special camera technology that they developed just to shoot this movie and how it was always under lock-and-key, then when you eventually get around to seeing the trailer, it’s just a bunch of people shot against a green-screen with CG vomit splashed all over the background… OHH SHINEY.

Hey guess what, movies are fun to watch, developing epilepsy just for the fuck of it one afternoon while holding popcorn is super-low on my TODO list; thanks Wacho Bros (OHHHHHHHH name-play-on-words-burn).

If I were 12, already had A.D.D. and my mom let me go see this without taking my Aderol, I’d probably think it was super awesome while I screamed and did circles around the front of the theater in my Heelies while Pixie-stick dust poured out of my mouth. The only real saving-grave of this movie is Christina Ricci… she looks like a plastic doll that talks, which makes me think maybe Real Doll (NSFW) has an upgraded model now?

If you haven’t seen it yet, checking out the trailer might be a good place to start first to see how much of an unoriginal anime-vomit-storm this movie set out to be: