It was 30 years ago today. Reverend Jim Jones taught the band to play. All 900 plus of them. And play they did.

November 18, 1978 was the day of the Jonestown Massacre in beautiful, sunny Guyana in South America. Jim Jones and his Peoples Temple took a little field trip - no permission slips needed - from California all the way down to Guyana to celebrate life, liberty, and the recent Yankees World Series victory (Especially Bucky Dent’s home run in that playoff game. I’ve always blamed Dent for Jonestown, that son of a bitch.).

These 900 people followed the man with the suspiciously plain name to the point of everyone’s favorite pastime - mass suicide. It was the greatest single, non-natural disaster related loss of American civilian life up until September 11, 2001. Unless you’re Al-Qaeda, you don’t mess around with Jim!

Jones - who, and very few people say this, was truly a go-getter - passed around li’l cups of what everyone assumes was Kool-Aid. Uh-uh. You hear people like Bill O’Reilly use the phrase “Kool-Aid drinkers” to describe those who blindly follow someone or something. But, no, it was a company called Flavor-Aid. Do you really think Kool-Aid would have survived that bad publicity? He comes crashing through a wall and there lies 900 bodies?

Flavor-Aid was the incredibly unlucky company whose product was combined with cyanide and enjoyed by Jim Jones’ followers. No, Flavor-Aid wouldn’t last very long after this day. Kind of like Ayds, the dietary candy that enjoyed moderate success until a certain highly-deadly disease was invented.

A total team player, Jones himself also died that day, but his legacy lived on, particularly in his 1990 co-founding of the neo-psychedelic band The Brian Jonestown Massacre, along with original Rolling Stones guitarist Brian Jones. This was, of course, after Jim left the band Jesus Jones when he a Jesus had a falling out.

So take a moment today to reflect on the story of Jim Jones - reverend, cult leader, man who had a town named after him. I mean, could you get 900 people to poison themselves to death? I don’t think so.

Laurence Hartje just sent this one in and I don’t even know what to say to it besides a series of loud shrieks and then wondering how in the holy mother of god the spider’s body got that big.

These pictures were taken in Atheron, which is in Australia; which consequently is a place I will never visit. The spider is apparently a “Golden Orb Weaver” according to the Australian Reptile Park.

Also notice the siding in the background of the picture? Implying that this monster of the apocalypse actually lives near someone’s home? If you had a small dog, I wonder how long it would last before this spider would eat it. God knows you’d have to name it at some point… probably something like “Skittles”.

I had a hard enough time getting over these huge spiders and creepy crawlings, but they were either in far away places like Africa or spiders you already expect to be giant… none of them were this gangly looking black spider you see above with needle legs, colored joints and what must be fangs the size of freaking roofing nails.

Forgetting spiders for a minute (how is that possible?!) I could barely get over Giant African Land Snails… now we are dealing with spiders that tear birds out of mid air and eat their brains… that’s awesome. I’m going to go buy illegal pesticides and make a 3″ thick pile of it around my house now.

Thanks Telegraph.co.uk!

If you like water slides and also like shitting on yourself you are going to get a kick out of Germany’s new Shitstorm Diarrhea Fountain (loose translation… my German is rusty) water slide.

The slide starts off with a free-fall drop as a trap door breaks out from under your feet, giving you the perfect opportunity to gasp, squeeze your ass-cheeks together as hard as possible and heart beat to increase to 211 bpm.

From the free-fall you will slide into a gentle up-ward facing loop-de-loop, giving your back and buttocks support, which is the perfect opportunity to shit everywhere… keeping in mind that anything and everything will be streaking up your back and into your hair and face.

After straightening out, you are slid full-speed into a gentle water-catch that will slow you down, crushing your bathing suit up into your genitals; destroying any self control you had up until that point and possibly giving you a prolapsed colon as a parting gift.

When you consider that this all happens in less than 10 seconds, you really have to respect that world-renound German engineering.

Thanks John Hering!

Below is a video of a guy going crazy at work and flipping out. He decides to destroy the office more than attack his co-workers which is fortunate and eventually gets tazered thankfully:

Believe it or not, this is actually almost identical to the time I was at work and Krispy Kreme announced that they were shutting down all Arizona stores. I flew into a rage kicking and punching all the other phone-sex personnel; so if you were on 1-900-HORS-BNRS at that time, I apologize… I believe they refunded everyone’s call-time that day.

After the jump there is another version of the video from someone’s cell phone that was in the office:

http://view.break.com/513569 - Watch more free videos

Oh goody. Looks like some Pennsylvania researchers have developed a robot that when dismantled (kicked apart in this case) will recognize it’s missing pieces and re-assemble itself.

It makes me happy to know that scientists, even though they all watched Terminator and thought “Wow THAT sucks” are still working to solve that problem.

Remember in Terminator, when the skeleton is blown in half with the pipe bomb? Imagine how much more hilarious-er it will be if the top and bottom half could re-find eachother and just reconnect… you know, instead of slowing down the death-machine from destroying you.

Thanks John Hering!

Do you like tattoos, and not just lower-back tattoos on women? The one on the left looks pretty cool doesn’t it?

I think the bamboo signifies freedom, spiritual awareness and understanding. I also like the nice touch of the classic ink on the arm, it says: I like to be different, but I also like to be mainstream.

Word.

Maybe you’d like a pink tattoo like that? Head down to your local Asian tattoo parlor and ask for a red or pink ink tattoo… oh but you’d be so wrong… you’d be so very wrong.

Let me explain how that lovely tattoo on the left was made and I really hope you’d have lunch already.

Click to read more after the jump…

{smartads}

As you have undoubtedly guessed this is going South; this story was and just did take a turn for the worst. What you see above is a new kind of tattoo referred to as a “scar tattoo“. It seems to be a new fad among people that think classic tattoos, African skin-rings and other kinds of bodily mutilation just don’t cut it anymore.

Scar tattoos are made just like you might horrifically imagine they are made; by more or less ripping the flesh off in patterns creating scars that match the design or pattern you are trying to have done.

So that bamboo above was the equivalent of someone running a carrot peeler down your back, taking out the first few layers of skin with it. While I had to admire the artist that actually made torture and attempted murder end up looking like a set of pretty damn nice bamboo, I have to wonder what drove the person that got them to go through with it… my guess is it was probably a girl I dumped.

There are a couple of examples online of people getting this done on their face and some other designs that look… interesting.

What kind of infection risk is there to getting this done? It’s like paying money to have someone stab you in a really creative way: “Here’s $100, stab a smiley face into my stomach… the guys will think that’s hilarious”.

The most unholy part of this process is the inevitable issues of what you do with the peelings that are coming off of the person you are working on…

and yes, those are fucking peels of skin incase you were wondering.

Quite a bit different than the carrot shavings you run down the disposal… these all look like little tiny penises… or tape worms.

I also think that is a pile of razor blades next to the pile of flesh just incase you were wondering.

The only reason I’m able to type this out, is because of the off chance it’s making you sick… if I can make at least one person barf then I’ve done my job. That’s what the internet is all about; cat videos and shock-porn.

It seems that Texas is having a problem because of their infidel beliefs and rampant republican population… God has sent them a plague.

This plague is in the form of ultra-small, fuzzy and “crazy” ants. The crazy part comes from their complete lack of coordination and team effort; they more or less run around “crazy” and are microscopically small.

Their size and crazy demeanor isn’t the problem so much as they apparently seem to have the ability to mass-produce themselves like they were being trucked in from China. One of the biggest complaints being that they are shorting out electronics and house-hold circuitry left and right because they get themselves jammed up inside of stuff.

When you consider one infidel’s account of the ants:

“They’re itty-bitty things about the size of fleas, and they’re just running everywhere,” said Patsy Morphew of Pearland, who is constantly sweeping them off her patio and scooping them out of her pool by the cupful. “There’s just thousands and thousands of them. If you’ve seen a car racing, that’s how they are. They’re going fast, fast, fast. They’re crazy.”

By the cupful… good god, if that’s not a sign that the pro-guns, pro-freedom w/ a side of unabated government surveillance is a sham platform to stand on then I don’t know what is.

I’d suggest Texas start voting independent just to swing things back away from utter disaster. I’d say a handful of folks could get away with some Ron Paul write-ins come election time, but not too many… I think if you get more than 10% that results in a plague of badgers… and that scores right up there under getting genital herpes on your eyes from a one-night-stand that convinced you to carry a concealed weapon.

When you think of swimming in the Congo, what do you imagine it to be like? I picture it a lot like the movie Piranha. Muddy water, tropical forest growing god-only-knows what kind of creatures in it and that is the one day you decide to go skinny dipping with a friend. Why not… she’s hot, you like each other, you are in the Congo so if gorilla rebels haven’t killed you already you’re probably going to get lucky.

So you pop out of your skimpies and hop in the river… wading out… enjoying your time there, thinking “Hey, this is pretty peaceful…”. Then you feel something brush against your leg. My guess, it was probably this:

It’s a far cry from the guppies and goldfish you used to get from the pet store… this is probably a fish I would capture and tame with my bare hands, but you… you wouldn’t stand a chance against it.

In the interest of science and good journalism I went ahead and looked up this fish on Wikipedia… it’s known as a Goliath Tiger Fish. I think it’s safe to say from the picture, that they gave this one a pretty good name…  I would have also voted for “Goliath You’re Fucked” fish, so I went ahead and added that to the Wikipedia entry for safe indexing.

The interesting part is that popping off of the Goliath’s page, it linked over to another kind of fish, the Candirú, a type of fish that is small, transparent and parasitic.

Hmmm parasitic… this is getting good. So the idea is that this thing is actually attracted to urine and blood… it will crawl up your dick (or elsewhere), pop out a bony spine to lock itself in place, and then just start kicking your ass.

I can only guess what that picture above is of… but one interesting tid-bit of information I ran across about getting a Candiru out of you is the following:

Natural Removal

A more expensive option is the use of two plants, the Xagua plant (Genipa americana) and the Buitach apple which are inserted (or their extract in the case of tight spaces) into the affected area. These two plants together will kill and then dissolve the fish. More often, the pain causes shock and death in the victim before it can be removed (ref: Candirú From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia).

So don’t worry… if you get one of these things latched up inside your urethra, they can shove plants in after it that will kill it… but most likely you first. So you are pretty much covered.

BTW, I just wrapped my penis in cellophane, and I’m not taking it off… ever.

About.com has a little gallery of Scary Exotic Pet Pictures, and while I didn’t really find most of them too scary… this one was a shocker.

This giant shelled bringer of disease and doom is a Giant African Land Snail, and it would probably kill you for no other reason than it was bored, and you had a stupid look on your face…

In extreme circumstances the Giant African Land Snail has been known to secrete poison and lasers from it’s slimy underbelly bringing doom and carnage to families, small towns, forests and New York once back in the 80s… but the whole thing was more or less swept under the rug so the US could save face during the cold war.

Another interesting fact is that they climb into trees when they get mad at you and hatch plans on how to get even (Pictured Right)

Consider this:

FACT: 11,000 people die every year from coordinate giant-land-snail attacks in most major metropolitan cities**

So next time you are prancing around a rain forest thinking your hot-shit because your iPhone has JailBreak on it and you run all the latest “apps” on it… that’s probably a snail-agent-of-doom watching your every move and it’s not impressed with how fast you can SMS your friends.

** This is not, nor has it ever been, a fact resembling anything even remotely true.

I already hate raccoons after an incident when I was younger and some got into our yard and just started systematically dropping our turtles off the roof, killing them, then tearing them open and eating them.

Naturally while shooting them with a pellet gun, they sort of sauntered around the roof until they decided to leave, completely unphased. From that day forward, I always wanted to buy a crazy huge gun and make a whole field of raccoons pay for it.

Anyway it looks like the poor folks of Olympia, Washington are dealing with their own raccoon problem, more specifically, freaking crazy “urban” raccoons that are not scared of anything. (Think of south-central LA, but filled with raccoon gangsters)

This gang of 10 raccoons or so are going around killing cats, dogs and biting people. Folks going out at night are carrying pepper spray and lead pipes to make sure they are safe… not from murderers, gangsters or terrorists… but from raccoons.

Forget that noise, I would buy myself a light saber or a samurai sword, dress up in full ninja garb and go wage a personal war on those crazy cat-monkey beasts. It would be, how you say, GO TIME. (Digg this)