Thanks to Robert Heron for sending this in. Sometimes your pets just want to help you clean around the house… and sometimes they are super precious… and sometimes they do both at the same time:

It was 30 years ago today. Reverend Jim Jones taught the band to play. All 900 plus of them. And play they did.

November 18, 1978 was the day of the Jonestown Massacre in beautiful, sunny Guyana in South America. Jim Jones and his Peoples Temple took a little field trip - no permission slips needed - from California all the way down to Guyana to celebrate life, liberty, and the recent Yankees World Series victory (Especially Bucky Dent’s home run in that playoff game. I’ve always blamed Dent for Jonestown, that son of a bitch.).

These 900 people followed the man with the suspiciously plain name to the point of everyone’s favorite pastime - mass suicide. It was the greatest single, non-natural disaster related loss of American civilian life up until September 11, 2001. Unless you’re Al-Qaeda, you don’t mess around with Jim!

Jones - who, and very few people say this, was truly a go-getter - passed around li’l cups of what everyone assumes was Kool-Aid. Uh-uh. You hear people like Bill O’Reilly use the phrase “Kool-Aid drinkers” to describe those who blindly follow someone or something. But, no, it was a company called Flavor-Aid. Do you really think Kool-Aid would have survived that bad publicity? He comes crashing through a wall and there lies 900 bodies?

Flavor-Aid was the incredibly unlucky company whose product was combined with cyanide and enjoyed by Jim Jones’ followers. No, Flavor-Aid wouldn’t last very long after this day. Kind of like Ayds, the dietary candy that enjoyed moderate success until a certain highly-deadly disease was invented.

A total team player, Jones himself also died that day, but his legacy lived on, particularly in his 1990 co-founding of the neo-psychedelic band The Brian Jonestown Massacre, along with original Rolling Stones guitarist Brian Jones. This was, of course, after Jim left the band Jesus Jones when he a Jesus had a falling out.

So take a moment today to reflect on the story of Jim Jones - reverend, cult leader, man who had a town named after him. I mean, could you get 900 people to poison themselves to death? I don’t think so.

It’s Friday, you’re tired, and this is the cuttest thing I’ve ever seen… so have a great weekend:

I don’t normally pimp shows or even particular episodes of shows… but this particular episode of Family Guy (from Sunday, November 2nd, 2008) is just awesome. You should watch it:

Update #1: If you are like me and really liked that song in the background while Peter is defending himself to Louis in the train station and then Chris claps and says “Yay, movie references”, it’s called “Power to Believe” and it’s by The Dream Academy which is from the Planes, Trains and Automobiles movie soundtrack.

Although I got the song… and I’ll admit, the non-vocal version that was behind what Peter was saying was a lot better than the one on the sound track… I don’t really like the interruption of the vocals.

… and even if it *does*, that doesn’t mean it *should*.

My roommate was trying to make the case for chicken and waffles the other day. If you haven’t heard of this combination, you’re not the first. But it’s true, some people eat chicken and waffles - yes, together - and those who like it, swear by it.

My contention isn’t so much with her food coupling (don’t knock it til you try it and all that hippie nonsense), but with her logic. “You like chicken, you like waffles,” she said. “You like chicken and waffles!”

No, roommate. No.

Take for example, this story. Granted, I like mice. And I like hot dog buns. But do you want to tell me that’s still a logical argument?

Ok then. Didn’t think so.

John McCain Accidentally Left on the Campaign Bus Overnight

Cindy McCain Claims She’s “Just Like Any Other Female Human”

Thanks goes to Preston Lee for sending these in.

Every once in a while there is a YouTube video that surfaces capable of blinding you with pure cute… most of the time it’s cats slowly falling asleep, but this time it’s a little hampster… on a piano:

Thanks to Robert Heron for sending this in.

This is an extended 5-min trailer for the upcoming The Day the Earth Stood Still movie.

The thing that interests me the most about these world-catastrophy type movies is either what happens to us, or how we get out of it. Movies like Independence Day solve that problem by throwing layers of absolute retardation ontop of the problem to solve it while movies like War of the Worlds are a hair more believable, but still suffer the Signs-problem, more specifically: “Why didn’t a hyper-intelligent alien race realize the planet they were invading would kill them?”

In the trailer for The Day the Earth Stood Still, all I see happening is mankind getting straight pwned. I have no idea how we are going to save the planet in this one, but I’m still interested.

And as far as Keanu Reeves’s acting goes, I’ve never had a problem with it. He’s a freaking alien, he’s suppose to be deadpan. I dig it.

I don’t care if you aren’t Clint Eastwood fans, I am making you Eastwood fans because he’s a badass. It’s not that he acts like one… he just is. He can’t help it, it’s in his blood. It’s like asking Stallone in the most recent Rambo to pet a putty and kiss a kitten… he wouldn’t know how to process what you said, so he’d probably just punch a hole through your stomach and out your back.

What happens when you get a grizzled old man that is an ex-war vet that is getting more pissed off at his life and then mix that with some punch teenagers that push him? Ohhhh hells yea, that’s right. You get an old-school ass kicking… crazy-old-man-style. Gran Torino:

We might as well laugh our asses off doing it. Fast forward to 2 minutes and watch. Again. And again. And forward to your friends. Bookmark it and any time you’re having a bad day, just come back and watch Scarlet take one for the team - guaranteed to cheer you up all over again.

Scarlet Takes a Tumble

Even the reaction videos are funny:

Scarlet Takes a Tumble reaction video

After you’ve watched the whole thing, as one of the commenters pointed out, be sure to go back and pause his video at 2:19 and laugh again.

Do you like anime?

Not really

Me too. Do you like those rediculous outfits they wear just to flash some skin?

What are you talking about, PERV?

I know, me TOO. Have you ever put on that one scene from Ghost in the Shell where she jumps down outside the window naked with the nano-tech invisibility suite on and just watched it over and over and over?

God… you are a sick looser…

totally. Well some wonderful soul has taken the time to put together an entire slew of 50 of the best cosplay (humans dressed as anime characters) shots of busty women in tiny outfits for our enjoyment! REJOICE!

<getting taser from purse>

If you missed Thursday’s episode of The Office, one of the funnier parallel story elements was Jim using a stopwatch to time Dwight every time he did anything deemed ‘personal’ in the office; like yawn, talk to anyone in the office about non-work-related topics, etc.

Jim then sets up behind Dwight and proceeds to mis-explain Battlestar Galactica to Andy, mangling the story of the show, with Dwight falling almost to tears out of frustration because he can’t correct him. If you like the show, it was great:

Not too shabby… Britney’s new video, Womanizer, has semblances of the original Brit-Brit we all fell in love with 30 years ago… or whenever that was that we fell in love with her.

I guess she was like 14 back then and now she’s 50, but she is looking pretty good. This is more along the lines of “slut-face Britney” that she turned into after good-girl Britney wasn’t selling so many records. So still appealing, but no more Sunday church for her here.

Check it out:

Say hello to the latest Internet sensation, boys and girls. It’s the Creepy Gay Kid.

Neither actually a kid, nor gay, though certainly very creepy, afro-sporting wrestling trivia champion “Primetime” Sam Roberts sang “Happy Birthday” to handsome comedian Robert Kelly on The Opie and Anthony Show recently, a la Marilyn Monroe to President Kennedy way back when. The result is a video that has quickly gone from viral to volcanic to become, quite possibly, the new “Leave Britney Alone.” Or not. What do I know?

Be prepared for a follow-up vid in which CGK dances for Mr. Kelly to the Right Said Fred classic “I’m Too Sexy.”

Sick. But not that sick.

In other news, a friend forwarded a photo to me, and it’s a doozy. A la Tub Girl or “Two Girls, One Cup,” you do not want to visit LemonParty.org (NSFW), whether for a solution to gas prices or otherwise.  They are definitely not an organization dedicated to throwing parties focusing on the theme of lemons. If you think you’re going to visit this site and get free coupons for a lemon meringue pie, you will be quite disappointed.

To give you kind of an idea as to what this site offers, if you don’t already know - and why should you, you sick bastard - it was referenced on an episode of NBC’s 30 Rock last year when Dick Lemon, father of Tina Fey’s character Liz Lemon, said, “It wouldn’t be a Lemon party without old Dick.”

No, it certainly wouldn’t.

… that title is a bit misleading, let’s try this one:

Redneck woman, barely able to speak, tried to explain that Obama is an unsuitable president because of his name… because aye-rabs are cutting soldiers heads off in Iraq.

It’s pretty much iron-clad, I get that, what I also appreciate is how these redneck’s accents are so thick you can barely understand them, but I’m guessing probably also part of a group that is the loudest protesters against Ebonics… cause that would drag down society. Fortunately for them, rampant incest picks society back up by it’s bootstraps and sets it right.

Thank God for the south:

Redneck Woman Rails on Obama - Watch more free videos

Thanks Dave Bullock!

Going into this, I had no idea what it was, but god… I’d really suggest you give it a watch. It looks like Summer of Tears is a group of folks that re-edit and green-screen themselves (pretty damn well) back into some original scenes of classic movies, adding some awesome lines and cut-aways as if the original movie included them, but all in the name of comedy.

This one is them re-doing Teen Wolf and is just awesome, give it a watch:

If you were around when the Jerry Springer craze dropped in the mid-90s and are familiar with trash televisions, then you have probably seen one of the Maury Povich episodes where he would have on insanely young girls that have sex, do drugs, swear every other word and usually hate their parents to some insane degree for no reason.

Well this is Angel, she’s precious… she’s like a dumptruck filled with diarrhea… I think the lisp and pooch on her really help sell the name… Angel. More like butt-angel…

If you liked that, check out this great mock video put together making fun of Angel and over-the-top-teens, I loved this one:

Update #1: 2nd video link updated!

Thanks Support NYC!

The “Break it Down” Blog introduced us to the upcoming Oscar-winning family movie: Tokyo Gore Police back in April with the first teaser trailer, but it seems that a new trailer and more gooder trailer has come out for the movie, really going into depth and showing how the characters are developed.

For film fans out there or just fans of good movies… or nuns… or possibly the Pope, you probably want to check this trailer out.

See? Good Christian family fun.

Imagine lifeguarding for this pool!?

What was wrong with the first Punisher? Tom Jane is a badass, there were guns and bad guys and a montage scene in which he built an entire car… what was missing?

Gore!

You don’t make a movie like Punisher, from a comic founded in mostly punishing people and skip the gore. There was the typical cheese-action-violence, but not the over-the-top gore fest from annurism-town that was required.

Unfortunately Jane has too much good sense to want to be associated with what Punisher 2 turned into: Punisher: War Zone - an over-the-top gore fest on par with the likes of Dead Alive or Riki-Oh:

I don’t even care how good or bad the script is… who cares when people are punching their fists through dudes faces. When that happens, you pretty much stop asking yourself: “Is this going to win an Oscar?”

You should be asking yourself: “How come I’VE never punched through someone’s face?”… maybe because you are a pussy?

Check out the Punisher: War Zone Red-Band Trailer:

Thanks IWatchStuff!

Crazy Biker On Cellphone Lying Down - Watch more free videos

As a bald but insanely handsome, tall, muscular and intelligent man… I echo these sentiments, but I don’t have $300 million from Seinfeld syndication like David does…

So a “sex tape” of Verne Troyer (Mini-me) and his girlfriend Ranae Shrider got leaked to the internet… because for some reason, recording a sex-tape immediately gives the people that are involved, the inability to hold onto anything private and immediately share it with the world.

Why is that? That’s like having a friend that you tell your deepest secrets to and he immediately logs onto MySpace and posts them… along with his social security and banking information <scratching head>…. maybe when I become a complete douche-bag I’ll understand the logic behind this.

Anyway, back to the “sex tape” (see what I did there with the quotes? I’m awesome…); Generally speaking, watching dwarfs tongue their girlfriends in home-made sex tapes makes me pretty goddamn unhappy. But for some reason, mini-me’s girlfriend on the left… Ranae Shrider… seems fine with it… maybe money insulates her from the paralyzing effects?

Extrawhoredinary points out that the sheer physics of the two having sex doesn’t add up… like taking an ionized particle neutron and overloading it’s electronics with dyna-synced protons… it just doesn’t make sense… am I right?

Dwarfs were put here on earth to be hilarious in movies… not so much for having hot internet-sex.

I saw a porn clip once online, like 10 years ago, of a dwarf woman having sex with a normal-sized person. After the clip was over, I nodded, acknowledging what I saw, and quickly ran into my room and cut the arms and legs off of all my dolls (all normal teenage boys have dolls… whatever you wouldn’t understand, you aren’t normal).

I might not be able to stop them if they all attack me at once… but if they are reeeaaallll slow about it, and just thumping their heads against me… I could probably take them.

NOTE: I have had some concerns with my self-defense abilities as it seems I can’t take that many 5-year-olds in a fight… if I had to.

So here’s the super-uncomfortable video of Ranae just lying there… gettin’ it, or something. I want to hand her a magazine or something, she looks bored. Maybe we could pool our funds and buy her one of those electronic Sodoku puzzle games?

Thanks Extrawhoredinary!

P.S.> If you got turned on watching that, we should hang out. If your bar to “good sex” is set that low, I’ll basically blow your mind. I can’t promise I won’t just sit there, drinking beer, and possibly spilling it on you… but whatever, I can still lean over during commercials and stab you in the face with my tongue… hmmmm Hot!

For the adult-film fans out there you may be crushed to know this but scientists have reported that Mary Carey, the fat pornstar that farts all the time, has been diagnosed with “Pig-Whore” disease.

While family and friends have issued a press-statement saying:

Mary has always been a fighter and will pull through this. She’s never been one to dwell on bad news, like in 2001 when her parents told her that they had tried to abort her 4 times.

While I’ve never seen Mary in a movie before, I do appreciate that she is well-known for one thing: farting.

While many other porn stars out there might be known for some amazing feats of… sexology… Mary, when off the porn set constantly farts. In the docu “Fuck” she explained that she never does anal scenes because she “Farts too much”… oh boy, that’s fucking hot.

I’m really looking forward to the press event where Angelina Jolie explains that her and Brad aren’t as intimate as they would like because she sometimes has diarrhea during sex. That’s like walking up to me, asking me if I want a hot, juicy hamburger, and when I agree to it, throwing up in my mouth and then saying “Well I guess you are full now, nevermind”.

{smartads}

While I’m proud of Mary for strutting the “big girl” (aka ’super fatty’) look, I think she does more to damage the already fragile balance she’s striking (good-looking and overweight) than help it. In a pitch to convince us that she really is good-looking, Carey went the “I’m-in-LA-with-my-first-8-grand” boob-job which helps some folks, but does it overcome putting tracks in your pants? No… I don’t think it does.

When you consider the role porn stars play in this world, you really have to wonder at the genius or alternatively, the not-genius, of reminding men that you fart… a lot… and you might have just shat a little.

There are a few movies online of Carey farting, and it’s not normal farts, it’s straight up blow-horn-air coming out of her, here’s an example of one (at end):

and if you’ve seen the docu “Fuck”, she’s in that one as well… portrayed by a petrified, lifeless broom, devoid of personality and just sat there farting during her interview segment… joyous day. I think her parents drank when they had her and I’m guessing her mom took up learning how to roller skate at exactly that same time as well. Carey isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, or alteast a tool that isn’t spending half the day shitting itself.

Best wishes to Carey and her long road to recovery from her disease, I hope a bus hits you and you are cured… I think that’s the only way.

Holy fucking shit… it’s been kept out of the media for the most part, but it was said that when Hulk Hogan’s son crashed his car and put his friend, John Graziano, in a coma that he had a “hole in his head” from the accident. Later, Hulk was quoted as saying that God put Graziano in a coma to “make him a better person”.

I get hole… hole is like, something the size of a golf ball that you can pass things in and out of… you put some tape or celophane over it and you are good to go.

Unfortunately, what is going on with Graziano is not a hole in his head, he’s actually missing the top half of his goddamn skull.

More specifically, go look at yourself in the mirror, now remove your entire forhead, between your eyebrows to your hair-line almost all the way across your forehead… yep that’s about it.

So the jail-time that Hulk’s son is serving is… well… compensation for smashing his friend’s face off… hardly an even trade.

WARNING: If you get squeemish with medical things, you might want to pass, but here’s the uncensored video of John on the hospital… I really feel bad for this guy:

Getting ready to vote come November? Be sure to vote Republican, Bush was awesome!

Every once in a while I’ll come across a video that describes what’s truly in my heart… the songs that my hearts sings ontop of birds. Jon has done just that with his rap video “Show Me Your Genitals” and I think him for that… I can’t stop trying to write this down now <throws away dirty baby diapers>

If you like water slides and also like shitting on yourself you are going to get a kick out of Germany’s new Shitstorm Diarrhea Fountain (loose translation… my German is rusty) water slide.

The slide starts off with a free-fall drop as a trap door breaks out from under your feet, giving you the perfect opportunity to gasp, squeeze your ass-cheeks together as hard as possible and heart beat to increase to 211 bpm.

From the free-fall you will slide into a gentle up-ward facing loop-de-loop, giving your back and buttocks support, which is the perfect opportunity to shit everywhere… keeping in mind that anything and everything will be streaking up your back and into your hair and face.

After straightening out, you are slid full-speed into a gentle water-catch that will slow you down, crushing your bathing suit up into your genitals; destroying any self control you had up until that point and possibly giving you a prolapsed colon as a parting gift.

When you consider that this all happens in less than 10 seconds, you really have to respect that world-renound German engineering.

Thanks John Hering!

Below is a video of a guy going crazy at work and flipping out. He decides to destroy the office more than attack his co-workers which is fortunate and eventually gets tazered thankfully:

Believe it or not, this is actually almost identical to the time I was at work and Krispy Kreme announced that they were shutting down all Arizona stores. I flew into a rage kicking and punching all the other phone-sex personnel; so if you were on 1-900-HORS-BNRS at that time, I apologize… I believe they refunded everyone’s call-time that day.

After the jump there is another version of the video from someone’s cell phone that was in the office:

http://view.break.com/513569 - Watch more free videos

We’ve all seen the “adorable kitten falling asleep” videos, but what happens when those cats grow up… but are still just as sleepy as they used to be?

Thanks Chris Hunkele!