Up My Own Ass

After much deliberation, the Country Music Association has decided that the show must go on. Despite the tragedy of Barack Obama’s victory in last week’s presidential election, the CMA Awards will go on as planned on November 12.

American Idol minx Carrie Underwood, and a piece of paisley fabric apparently, will host the awards that will take place probably in Nashville or some similar place.

The show will be highlighted by numerous moments of silence and an appearance from Lord and Lady Antebellum of Jesusland.

Meanwhile, after threatening to move to Canada, of all places, during the Bush administration, Democrats are now planning to rename America “Utopia” after the Great Barack Obama’s presidential miracle.

“Do you believe?” fans ask each other rhetorically while high-fiving and organizing communities.

Experts say that during the Obama administration food will taste better, air will be sweeter, and unicorns and mermaids will dance in the streets. Already on the president’s agenda: world peace, curing cancer, and helping the Cubs win the World Series next year.

There is utter joy in Obamanation. Some might call it gittiness. Bliss. Euphoria. Gaiety. Glee. Jollity. Jubilation. I love online thesauruses!

The following are actual statuses posted by some of my writer friends on Facebook. The names have been changed to protect the usually intelligent, but occasionally daffy:

*Sillygoose McGetoutoftown is giving Zeek (the 9-year-old) Wednesday’s front page to hang in his room.

*Tedium Sleeperhold is looking forward to our president-elect’s press conference today like he looks forward to Christmas and glazed donuts.

*Tickle Me Mussolini gets all warm and tingly when she hears the words “President Obama.”

*Waa-Waa O’Crybaby cried at Obama’s words. Thank God for Obama.

*Bob Smith is WOOOOHOOOO WOOOOHOOOO WOOOHOOO.

*George “the Animal” Steele One of the best moments of my life was telling my son this morning about the newly elected president.

In the words of some of the characters on that stupid Grey’s Anatomy show, “Seriously?”

“Seriously!?!”

Then you even have all the cute ones who put Hussein in between their name, even though it’s completely against Facebook policy. I guess all of our middle names are Hussein now. That’s what the ‘H’ in Jesus H. Christ stands for.

I’d like to believe that Barack Obama walks on water, but I can’t help but think that these delirious little children are going to be disappointed when they find out the man is merely a politician. Just a dude who successfully used the Senate as a springboard to becoming Commander in Chief. No different than any other.

Is the taste left in the mouths of the “Bush is Hitler” types from that administration so bad that many of us are clinging to the Barack as savior dream? I never liked or voted for Bush, and I don’t want to understate the importance of the first half-Kenyan president. I mean, we’ve still only had one of those nasty Catholics in the White House. This is like when a non-Kenyan wins the Boston Marathon. But, jeezy creezy, let’s keep our perspective here. Christmas? The tinglies? Tears and donuts? “One of the best moments of my life?”

Let’s gain our composure. We are not Dorothy going from the tornado to Munchkinland. We are not living in a magical fantasy world. This man is a president. Like Carter, Garfield and Zachary Taylor. All the ones we make fun of now. Sure, he beat a war hero and an Alaskan hayseed, and now we have the “End of an Error,” and all that other horseshit, but let’s snap out of it.

I don’t care much for these highs and lows, good guys and bad guys, in American politics.

It’s like the Honky Tonk Man had the belt for eight years and now the Ultimate Warrior beat him for it and everyone’s throwing chairs into the ring in mad, mob-like celebration.

Might as well have Kool and the Gang follow Obama around and play that stupid song. We need 90s motivational speaker extraordinaire Susan Powter now more than ever to demand that we “Stop the insanity!”

Or not. What do I care? Now that I’ve finished with four wonderful 80s and 90s references, celebrate in smug happiness and joy all you want.