Up My Own Ass

I always said that once George W. Bush was out of the White House he would immediately start hitting the bottle and the pipe again. And now we have our first signs of the amazing hijinks to come.

Bush began pardoning evildoers this week – and who was one of the first names on the list? John Forte, former producer for En Vogue or the Supremes, or some similar group (I mean, who cares, really?) who has been in the clink for seven years for cocaine possession with intent to distribute. Forte must have had some good shit. Carly Simon’s been trying to spring this guy for years. I don’t even think she got conjugal visits.

So this naughty snowbird will be out of the pokey soon, but I think ole W was a little hasty on this. He’s going to be a former president after all. He can get coke from anywhere. He can get the good Colombian shit. Surely his daughters will be able to help him out. They might even be able to score him some heroin.

On a lighter, slightly less criminal, note, Bush, like every president, governor and fuehrer before him, pardoned a turkey this week. Good for him. Good for both of them. This lucky bird won the honor of flying, first class mind you, to Disneyland, where it’s not even tall enough to go on the good rides (LOL, huddla, huddla).

The big gobbler’s pardon will likely last a few weeks until it ends up sliced and packaged in some grocery store in Colorado.

It was pardon madness as the president then gave amnesty to the 12-year-old Florida boy who was arrested last week for farting in class. These sick Floridians were ready to try this young comedian-in-training as an adult until our silliest prez ever stepped in to save the day. Thank you, Mr. President. Your generosity will not be forgotten. The boy will certainly not get a first class ticket to Disneyland, but he will be sliced, packaged and sold in a local deli sometime next spring.

Next on the ole pardon list were the young Canadian lads who took part in “Kick a Ginger Day” at a school in British Columbia last week. Thirteen-year-old Aaron Mishkin was one of the little redheaded freaks at Nanaimo High School who suffered the wrath of normal dark and blonde-haired children as they booted him mercilessly like a soccer ball, or whatever those stupid Canadians enjoy kicking.

God, imagine not only being a ginger, but Canadian! Life can certainly be cruel.

While Bush told the press he was a big fan of punishing gingers, some sources say he was confused and thought the hubbub was about “Stick it in Ginger Day.” The president immediately made November 22 “National Stick it in Ginger Day” in honor of his always wanting to nail the star of Gilligan’s Island.

Bush will reportedly spend the rest of the week pardoning Steve Howe, Tex Watson, Michael Moore, Pamela Rogers Turner, the makers of Bush’s Baked Beans, The Butt Bandit, Darth Vader, The Joker, and Wile E. Coyote.

And finally, I must point out, as sort of a public service, that despite all you hear about turkey having something in it that puts you to sleep, I’ve tried placing a nice hunk of the ole bird over several women’s faces this Thanksgiving and it didn’t work once. So buyer beware.