Up My Own Ass

In the Internet age, when thieves from Green Day, Avril Lavigne and Coldplay to comic hatchet men Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia are all being called out on a daily basis for borrowing freely from other artists, you would think that fucking Steven Spielberg and DreamWorks would know better. But no. The company is finally being sued by the estate of Cornel Woolrich. Who the hell is he, you ask? He wrote the short story “It Had to Be Murder,” which served as the basis for the classic Alfred Hitchcock film Rear Window, starring James Stewart, Grace Kelly and Raymond Burr.

And it was a long time coming, because, if you were silly enough, like I was, to watch the abortion of a film Disturbia, you clearly saw that it had Read Window scribbled all over it. This ain’t even an iffy case. Give Woolrich his money. If you took the Hitchcock film and put it in a bucket, then added about 10 pounds of cow shit, and mixed it all up, you’d have Disturbia, which somehow chalked up a 67 percent rating on RottenTomatoes.com, finally proving that a good two-thirds of American film critics are either hacks or just plain stupid.

If you’re one of the many, many lucky ones who haven’t seen this catastrophe, there may be spoilers to follow. I don‘t care. Neither should you. Not that you don’t know what’s gonna happen, because if you haven’t seen Rear Window, then there’s clearly something wrong with you. The movie (the DreamWorks piece of cow shit that is) begins with a lovely, pukingly touching moment between father and son. They’re fishing together and having a dandy ole time. It might as well be a tampon commercial. Already you’re like, “Okay, worst opening scene in recent film memory.” Then you’re thrown a li’l curve in the form of a tragic car accident. Holy crap. Now something’s happening. But that’s as good as it gets. Then the movie gets painfully mundane for another 40 or so minutes. Come on, movie, do something!

Finally it becomes Rear Window, starring someone named Shia LaBeouf as “Kale,” or as I call him - Lames Stewart. The only thing more awful than the character name “Kale” is the name Shia LaBeouf. What in the Sam Hill is that? It’s like someone took Beowulf and queered him up a bunch. This is a female impersonator’s stage name, for fuck‘s sake. Maybe the birth certificate said “Shit” and somewhere along the way it was changed.

A very brief, like I give a shit, search on ole Shia turns up that he was in the recent Indiana Jones movie, and his father was a clown. I’m already bored. Stop making movies, Shia Wayne Gacy!

Opposite pukey teen Jimmy Stewart are beautiful, we-couldn’t-get-Jessica-Biel-so-this-model-twat-will-have-to-do Sarah Roemer as Ashley; and Aaron Yoo, as Ronnie, Kale’s Korean friend. Did you know that Roemer started modeling when she was 15 and Zzzzzzzz….? And, hey, Aaron Yoo Suck is going to be in Zzzzzzzzzzzzz….? God, who cares. Both sorta play the Grace Kelly role in this crapfest. So we’ll refer to Ashley as “Disgrace Kelly,” and Ronnie as “Disgrace Kerry.”

This movie smells like a film made solely for the opening weekend box office (not that all films aren’t). “We’ll get the kids, man. They’ve never seen Rear Window. We’ll even give it a cool name, man. Disturbia, man. It’s like we took the word ‘suburbia’ and combined it with ‘disturb,’ and magic was made.” Well, I was perturbia at this turdia of a motion picture.

This hunk of garbage was directed by someone named D.J. Caruso, who I can only imagine is actually a DJ in some club in California who decided to make a movie with his buddies. Or maybe he’s David Caruso’s brother, who’s as bad at directing as David is at acting. If you’re the kind of male filmgoer who sees movies because they contain scenes with hot chicks in bikinis, then you may want to suffer through Disturbia. Otherwise, watch a snuff film or some gay pornography. You’ll hate yourself a lot less. Everyone tied to this movie, especially screenwriters Christopher B. Landon and Carl Ellsworth, deserve not only to be branded as the rip-off artists they are, but quite possibly shot, including Spielberg and the other asses that make up DreamWorks. Only a fourth Shrek movie could ever be worse than this. But, guess what? That’s coming too. Go get ‘em, estate of Cornel Woolrich, Take down this damn company.

This is the same film studio, mind you, that produced the 2005 Michael Bay film The Island, a disaster that bared a striking resemblance to a film called Parts: The Clonus Horror, which I and everyone else only saw via Mystery Science Theater 3000. Can’t DreamWorks be shut down for this? Not just for these two instances, but for the 2006 teen flick She’s the Man, which was just too damn similar to the 1985 comedy Just One of the Guys, as well as for Just Like Heaven, which looked a hell of a lot like Ghost.

Will DreamWorks continue stealing from films ranging from classics to absolute shite? Stay tuned.