Up My Own Ass

A brand new television season is upon us. We have the return of Knight Rider. We have Robinson Crusoe. Oh, we have soooo much! So let’s take a look at what new programs the networks are vomiting onto the viewing audience this year.

Crusoe

Everything you wanted to know about the man himself. Many questions are presented in this documentary series, such as: Was Crusoe related to the Swiss Family Robinson? And was Gilligan’s Island really like Crusoe, and were both “primitive as can be?” Episode One: Historians finally separate the perceived link between Robinson Crusoe and actor David Caruso.

Life on Mars

Morgan Spurlock, of Super Size Me fame, tries to go 30 days eating nothing but Mars food products. Episode One: Sick of Skittles and Milky Ways, Spurlock learns that Mars owns the company that produces Whiskas, Sheba, and Cesar. Will he start to balance his diet candy with a little cat and dog food?

Knight Rider and 90210

Series one and two of many upcoming television rehashes to come, which will later include Models Inc, Simon & Simon, Falcon Crest, The Scarecrow and Mrs. King, and McMillan and Wife. Knight Rider Episode One: Michael Knight travels to Germany and becomes the biggest pop star since Hitler. 90210 Episode One: The Peach Pit has been closed down by the Board of Health, and the gang finds out that Andrea has female and male parts.

Opportunity Knocks

The Geico caveman sitcom might have bombed as horribly as expected, but Honda is banking on this series, starring Mr. Opportunity from their advertisements, to hit big with viewers.

The show follows the hunky cartoon fellow as he tries to convince people to purchase a Honda.

Episode One: Dana Carvey guest stars and does his George H.W. Bush impression while Mr. O is taken to a hospital after consuming six gallons of Valvoline.

Gary Unmarried

English glam rock singer Gary Glitter finally attempts to settle down and start dating adults.

The show follows his attempt to re-enter the countries of Cambodia, Vietnam and Thailand to find that special someone.

Episode One: Having been released from prison, Glitter returns to London to complete his new album. But when the cast of a new production of Oliver! enters his life, will Gary return to his old ways?

The Mentalist

Take a mentalist, add a little fun and the Russian word for yes, and you have Nikolai, the Russian psychic fundamentalist Christian preaching the word of God with his commie Jedi mind tricks. “This is the savior you’re looking for.” Episode One: The producers admit that, yes, this concept is a bit of a stretch.

Easy Money

A camera is placed in comedian Rodney Dangerfield’s coffin as viewers watch him roll over in his grave when his films, such as Caddyshack and Back to School, are remade. Season 2 will feature the late Sir Alec Guinness. Episode One: Producers cast Carlos Mencia in the lead role in the new version of Ladybugs.

Fringe

This reality show features all you need to know about how fringe jackets are made, from slaughtering the cows to selling them to Native Americans.

Episode One: Who invented the fringe jacket, and who would ever wear such a thing?

This show will answer the inevitable question every viewer has: “Where are these still in style?” and “Where can I buy one… or three?”. Fringe jackets make an excellent stocking stuffer or social statement.

Do Not Disturb

Hotel housekeepers in action. This series examines how maids at a Motel 6 go about cleaning up when guests make like bananas and split. Episode One: Guadalupe ignores a “Do Not Disturb” sign and enters a room to find a very panicky elderly gentleman and a deceased prostitute on the bed.

Valentine

A weekly biography of professional wrestler Greg “the Hammer” Valentine, from growing up as the son of wrestling legend Johnny Valentine to pushing 60 and still wrestling in armories and high school gymnasiums.

Episode One: The Hammer discusses the unfortunate period of his career when he dyed his hair jet black and joined the Honky Tonk Man to make the tag team “Rhythm & Blues.”

Surviving Suburbia

The York’s, an elderly couple, have 14 contestants living in their backyard competing to not be shot by the old man. Episode One: Cathy and Bill find a dead baby in the Yorks’ shed. Plus Marty is raped by old lady York.

The Ex-List

Larry King and Liz Taylor try to remember all of their former spouses. Episode One: After a night of heavy drinking, Larry and Liz wake up in the same bed.