Up My Own Ass

The medical journal Who Gives a Shit? just released a new study that says the cleaner that people are the less judgmental they tend to be. This fascinating study, the fancy doctorin’ folk say, finally reveals why people bathe, why the homeless are such dicks, and why Shakespeare invented the term “cranky ass.”

It also explains why Pepe Le Pew was such an asshole, and sheds light on the famous Peanuts episode in which Pig Pen kicks Linus in the nuts and cuts off two of Charlie Brown’s fingers.

The study could also bring the world together as one, but, when asked whether a greasy Italian or a Puerto Rican are more likely to be judgmental, the study’s maker uppers would not comment.

In fact, they were quite rude about it. Disgusting, filthy bastards.

One psychologist poses the example of a juror who washes his or her hands before delivering a verdict judging the crime less harshly than the slob sporting messy, grubby dick beaters. This may be true, as we all remember the famous sponge baths given to the O.J. Simpson jury by the defense in 1995.

But it is the long-misunderstood French who benefit the most from this important study. That their trademark lack of hygiene and their patented rudeness have been discovered to be connected might begin to make outsiders pause before making fun. We might soon find out that the cleaner a person is the less likely they are to surrender to the Nazis.

So hug a Frenchman today. Look him in the eyes and say, “I understand, Pierre. I understand.”

Then wash yourself thoroughly. Check your pockets too. I don’t trust those frogs.

And now some classic holiday cheer…