Up My Own Ass

I’ll never understand why we have to pass tests to get past first grade, get a driver’s license, or get into eharmony.com, but to bring a child (or twenty) into the world? Nothin.

We live in a world of creating stockpiles of band-aids to fix our severed limbs as a society. What ever happened to “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of WOW the WORLD ISN’T POPULATED WITH TOTAL DUMBASSES!!!!!!”?

Take, for example, this case out of Awesome Problem-Solving, Pennsylvania. 14-year-old kid gets bullied for his weight. Mom’s “Brilliant Parenting” solution is to instruct her child on the virtues of self-confidence in the face of adversity and help him lose weight in a healthy manner to curtail the bullying take him out of school to homeschool him and begin building him an armament of “‘Hey Shamu’ THIS, motherfucker!!”. And now that he’s been turned in for planning to go Columbine on their asses, NOW she’s going to undergo a psychiatric evaluation…presumably to see if she’s fit to stand trial for being a Dumbass Parent?

Wasn’t there a better time and place to have done said psychiatric are-you-a-Dumbass-Parent evaluation? Say, 14 years and 9 months ago?

CHRIST.

Btw? I’m not talking about Mom buying him a B.B gun to go shootin cans with pa. In addition to her being accused of buying him a .22-caliber handgun, a .22-caliber rifle, a 9 mm semiautomatic rifle, CNN reports she “admitted that she bought him a rifle with a laser scope and gunpowder, which investigators said he was using to build grenades.”

A laser scope??? And there’s doubt if she knew he was going to go nuts on his classmates? I don’t think you need a laser scope to take the thing to school just to give the kiddies a scare and get them to stop stealing your milk money.

The retrospective social “band-aid” to this could-have-been-disastrous wound (as in, who knows how many dead students and teachers)?:

“The maximum possible prison term of 3½ to 7 years, but… she could get less than a year — or even just probation — under sentencing guidelines.” Oh yeah, after her psychiatric evaluation to see if she even deserves punishment for being a Class A Stupid Parent. Because, well you know, some parents make mistakes sometimes. Yeah, it’s called having kids when you’re completely unfit.

Social blunders…why doesn’t every copulation come with a number two pencil? Or at least a steel condom? Why?

Well, at least we have AIMS testing to make sure all kids know the vice president from 1862 and how to use the quadratic formula. And we all know the SATs are way more socially important than getting all nitpicky about who should and shouldn’t raise offspring (you Communist!!). Who needs pre-knockup screening?

I say we just go into little Jr.’s room and fit the firing squad to put a REAL band-aid on the problem here and make sure the could-have-been doesn’t open up down the line and start gushing again later. Hell, it should be easy enough to outfit everyone. Mommy equipped her 14-year-old son’s bedroom real well for us: