Atheism used to be just about not believing. Steve Perry would sing, “Don’t stop believin’,” atheists would answer, “Screw you, big nose,” and that was the extent of the rebellion.
“Sorry, Mr. or Mrs. Religious Person. I’m busy baking muffins and I’m a non-believer. Good day.”
That was it.
These days it’s gotta be a whole dog and pony show. New age, atheist chic smart asses have turned simple non-belief and who-gives-a-shit lack of faith into its own stupid religion. Authors such as Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens are the L. Ron Hubbards of this new cult. And, yes, it is a cult like any religion because now atheists, in lieu of minding their own vapid beeswax, are holding conventions and are even trying to reverse their own baptisms.
Yes, the Dawkinians are holding debaptisms, these hilarious, Andy Kaufmanesque geniuses.
Ceremonies in at least states four states (mainly at douchey liberal colleges) have washed that holy water right out of these adorable little creatures’ hair via, of all things, a hair dryer. Yes, a hair dryer, presumably one like what Princess Vespa carted around in Spaceballs, will undo all the hurt and pain that that nasty Christening brought you way back when. And the dryers, according to the article, are marked “reason,” because nothing says reason like having some robed imbecile unbaptize you with a home appliance when any decent clergyman would stick that thing in this broad’s twat sideways.
At these debaptisms, waitresses also serve “de-sacraments,” consisting of crackers and peanut butter, because an atheist’s gotta eat. This reporter is quite saddened to think how many times he’s de-sacramented himself over the years. Good thing only Ritz and Skippy truly have the power to take away the light of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
Will a Hello Kitty hair dryer give these sardonic fuck sticks back the love their fathers never gave them? Only God…oops…I guess no one knows. Would a giant fan completely erase these fuckers’ memories of everything from that first confession to when they shit their pants in the third grade?
Some say that every one of these assholes should take the beating that Jesus took, and I personally would like to give it to them with a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire. That’ll make you forget the moment your crying parents held so dear, you sniveling little babies. Just because Daddy didn’t buy you the cell phone you prayed for or because a priest patted you on the head in a somewhat suggestive manner doesn’t mean you should mock religion until you need Him again.
Said Jennifer Gray in this article (and believe me, I’ll never watch Dirty Dancing again, you bitch), these ceremonies are “a chance to laugh at the silly things I used to believe as a child. It helped me admit that it was OK to think the way I think and to not have any religious beliefs.”
Little Jennifer’s summer is booked solid with ceremonies exorcising Santa Claus with a curling iron, the Easter Bunny with a coffee maker, and the time Uncle Paul buried his manhood in her with a shovel.
These dopes, like Gary Mueller, are even petitioning churches to remove their names from baptismal records because they were baptized without consent. It’s rape by baptism! Why not get de-circumcised too, you fruit?
Many atheists, like Pitzer College’s Phil Zuckerman, are saying, “We’re here. We’re secular. Deal with it,” and tracing the rise of smug atheism to George W. Bush’s presidency.
This leads me to two questions. One, can we ban marriage between atheists? That I can get behind. And two, does this mean that at the end of Barack Obama’s presidency slavery might make a comeback?
You call it a stretch. I call it Punch an Atheist Day.
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25. July 2009 at 12:43 am
Some believe a person’s spiritual beliefs are private and personal and those people don’t raise the ire of non-theists, but there’s a huge amount of pro-religious propaganda that permeates everyday life. From the seemingly innocuous “God bless you” when you sneeze, to pro-life bumper stickers, daily affirmations, religious billboards, churches every few blocks, “In God we trust” on every dollar bill, blinking religious signs, the President mentioning God every so often, faith-based initiatives and more. It’s rare to walk anywhere in public and not see some religious advertisement every few moments. Imagine if the cause of non-belief were promoted to even one hundredth this degree? Theists would be totally outraged. Yet if an atheist decides to react to the overwhelming pro-religion propaganda that’s in his face on a daily basis, he’s labeled as “angry”, “militant”, “intolerant” and “extremist” or even “blasphemer” and eligible for a jail sentence in some countries. If you promote your superstitious beliefs in a public space, it’s only fair that we have a right to respond to them.
25. July 2009 at 11:56 am
Very true, but it’s the mocking and assumption that all believers are idiots to which I object. And true, one can’t escape God in one’s every day life any more that, say, Hannah Montana. But atheist do have that Nazi word that replaces “Bless you.” And, hey, everyone uses debit cards now. So atheists don’t even have to look upon those filthy, God-loving green things…Anyway, I was due for a rant against something and the smug atheist is my favorite target lately. God love ‘em.
26. July 2009 at 10:04 pm
Let’s pray for them.
26. July 2009 at 10:16 pm
Or burn them. Six of one.
26. July 2009 at 10:18 pm
There is a very fine line between smarmy atheist and religious zealot.
26. July 2009 at 10:19 pm
both of which annoy the piss out of me.
26. July 2009 at 10:23 pm
I ain’t advocatin’ pissin’ on ‘em. Maybe spraying both with a hose full of water…or AIDS.
26. July 2009 at 10:26 pm
I KNOW! Amway.
26. July 2009 at 10:27 pm
I know some nice people that would be HAPPY to HAND DELIVER a copy of the Book of Mormon…
26. July 2009 at 10:30 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNaHUxi6H-U
26. July 2009 at 10:33 pm
What the…is THAT Alfonso Ribeiro? I had no IDEA he was Mormon.
26. July 2009 at 10:41 pm
Dude, he’s got TONS of wives. More than Steve Young and Danny Ainge combined.
27. July 2009 at 3:03 am
Oh, those crazy Mormons and their polygamy … what wacky shenanigans will they get into next ?
31. July 2009 at 12:41 pm
Now I’d not heard of these de-baptisms before reading this article but judging by the comment attributed to Jennifer Gray, the atheists don’t take these hair dryers and anti-communion food any more seriously than you do, they’re meant to be a bit silly. Yeah, I guess it’s a waste of time but if that’s what they want to do for a laugh then let them. One thing that does worry me though is that you seem to be advocating violence “I call it Punch an Atheist Day” “I personally would like to give it to them with a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire” “Or burn them” and I did feel the comment about “the time Uncle Paul buried his manhood in her with a shovel” was in pretty poor taste, but hey, freedom of speech and all that.
Now, I’m not American and I don’t know if having your name on baptismal records makes any legal difference. If it does then yeah, they should be able to have their names removed but if not, at worst it’s another waste of their time. And why do you want to ban marriage between Atheists? The legal bit will just be covered by a different name (Civil Partnership or whatever) and it’s not like they’re gonna stop breeding coz they’re not gonna believe the whole “No sex before marriage” bit.
Atheists have “that Nazi word” and yeah, maybe some of them do use it (not so much here in the UK, pretty much everybody uses ‘bless you’ whether they’re religious or not, it’s just used as another phrase) but it doesn’t mean they’re agreeing with Nazi doctrine any more than somebody who drives a Volkswagen!
One last point, I invited two Mormons into my home a couple of months back to see what they had to say. I pointed out a couple of things they told me which BY DEFINITION could not POSSIBLY both be true and I think I broke them… they just quietly left. Maybe they’ve blacklisted my house because they’ve not been by again! They left me a book of Mormon though which I thought was very kind. (Anybody heard how this came about? They told me. Now I’m not knocking them but… come on, it sounds a bit suspect doesn’t it?!
31. July 2009 at 12:48 pm
Brilliant, I love this article. Neatly sums up everything I hate about religion. Argues for the point that religious people are not dumb but only manages to do so with profanity, sarcasm and a stupidity – could not have asked for a better rant. Keep up the good work, think you may have converted a few more people to ’smarmy athiesm’ with this…
31. July 2009 at 1:14 pm
Speaking as a born again Christian I gotta tell you I agree. I hate those goddam hell deservin’ atheist scumbag terrorists – I hate them more that anything in the world. They are always smug and militant; smug when they strap explosives to their bodies, smug when they behead believers and smug when they fly airplanes into buildings. And when they are being intellectual & humane: that’s plain yuk. They are breeding too – getting married & having babies – it’s disgusting.
God hates them too. God is a real hater and that is where I take my cue from – all true believers should hate these godless scum.
31. July 2009 at 1:18 pm
Amen
31. July 2009 at 5:14 pm
I’ll fight any one of you motherfuckers! Christ, take a goddamned bit, for fuck’s sake.
31. July 2009 at 5:22 pm
I’ve got your back, man…do you wanna borrow my Wonder Woman bullet-deflecting bracelets and my rosary beads?
31. July 2009 at 6:30 pm
He doesn’t exist. Get over it and get on with your lives.
31. July 2009 at 7:17 pm
I’ll give you $5,000 if you can prove He doesn’t exist.
31. July 2009 at 7:19 pm
Chickenhead makes a valid point…I think the gauntlet has been thrown…and while you’re at it, try proving that ghosts don’t exist, too.
What NOW, Guy Bailey?
31. July 2009 at 7:56 pm
@Andy: what did you tell them?
@Chickenhead: I’ll take the challenge. Define “He”.
31. July 2009 at 9:16 pm
You know who He is, Danny Boy. Just remember He who you believed in before Father Murphy stuck his holy schlong in your pooper and ruined you for eternity.
God bless.
31. July 2009 at 9:25 pm
Yes, gimme your anal beads and we’ll take on Guy Smiley and the rest of the heathens.
31. July 2009 at 9:28 pm
You know, I am totally jealous…I said lots of terrible things about organized religion in Jimmy Cracked the Southern Baptists, and I Don’t Care…and NOBODY CARES.
I’m starting a prayer circle, if anyone cares…
31. July 2009 at 9:33 pm
Attacking religion is old hat. It’s like attacking racists or thalidomide babies. Everyone does it now. If you want to be absolutely wacky you have to attack the non-believers, Jesus taught me this, plus a few card tricks. The Pope said it himself – “Attacking zealots is for queers.”
31. July 2009 at 9:35 pm
FINE, GOSH…
*folds arms and stomps an angry cloud of sand*
Weren’t Thalidomide Babies those adorably ugly dolls that Coleco made in the early 80s?
31. July 2009 at 9:37 pm
No, those were crack babies. Thalidomide Babies were made popular in the 50s with Abbott and Costello’s “The Thalidomide Baby Comedy Hour.”
31. July 2009 at 9:39 pm
Oh, YEAH!!! They were in blackface, too, weren’t they?
31. July 2009 at 9:41 pm
Of course they were. All pre-Apatow comedy was done in blackface.
Now where are my anal beeds?
31. July 2009 at 9:42 pm
BEADS! Whatever! Fuck me, Jesus!
31. July 2009 at 9:43 pm
Bend over and I’ll show you!!!!
HA HA HA!!! GET IT??? *deadpan stare*
Hail Mary, this is funny shit.
31. July 2009 at 9:44 pm
Okay, since I didn’t immediately notice the misspelling, I just assumed that this was your Tourette.
“BEADS! WHATEVER! FUCK ME, JESUS!!!”
31. July 2009 at 9:54 pm
Silly. Tourettes doesn’t SHIT show itself CUNT in writing MOTHERFUCKING ASS COCK.
31. July 2009 at 9:55 pm
Still wanna argue the existence of God, shitdicks?
31. July 2009 at 9:58 pm
Oh, Hey, we’re still meeting for brunch after you give the sermon this Sunday, right?
31. July 2009 at 10:01 pm
That’s right, Remember, the topic will be, “If you don’t believe, go fuck yourself.”
Hey, do I get a trophy or something for 40 comments? I want it in the shape on Bud Abbott nailed to a cross.
31. July 2009 at 10:07 pm
Well, 40 comments will only get you a lapel pin in the shape of Fatty Arbuckle…gold plated…
OR, you can have the embroidered oven mitt.
Yeah, when you are pushing 400 – like my TAPS THREAD – then you get a jetted FOOT massager.
1. August 2009 at 1:22 am
Good old religious people. You try to nail them down to a debate and when they get stuck they change the subject. ‘Define He’ you were asked – ‘You know who He is’ was the only reply you managed to get out before continuting with the profanity. Perhaps we should put it in language you would understand – he don’t fucking exist, you are wasting your fucking life, fucking move on. Better? Any of that get through?
1. August 2009 at 4:42 am
Some of the comments are plain silly ( as they should be) and some people are getting far too serious for a “humour” website … sheesh … Never do I see people more agitated and defensive as when someone criticizes their religion 0_0 …
And besides, the pressure is on them to prove/show that “He” DOES exist, not for me to prove he doesn’t, as they are the ones making the claim so adamantly …
1. August 2009 at 9:12 am
No, that’s where you’re wrong. Because other than telling a smarmy douche atheist he or she is a dick for making fun of my beliefs, I don’t give a tenth of a shit whether you believe, live or die. If I could point at God and say, “There. See?” then what good would a thing called faith be?
New age atheists have not only turned atheism into its own religion, they’ve turned the argument over God’s existence into a Red Sox-Yankees rivalry. So I can only chant, “Atheists suck! Atheists suck!”
1. August 2009 at 1:30 pm
Let’s go ahead and throw into the mix the old philosophical spice of “by not believing, you acknowledge the possibility of God’s existence…you just simply don’t BELIEVE He exists.”
Now, if you said you were agnostic, that would make more sense…unless you CAN definitely prove that God, the Almighty Father does NOT exist. Can you? Can any of you?
Now, my personal contempt for organized religion does not equal a lack of faith on my part…it’s all you fuckbag religious AND atheist sheeple that exist merely to mock and persecute others that piss me off…you can all go take a flying leap.
I am not backing away from a debate OR changing any subject…I define “He” as GOD, the creator of ALL…now, prove HE doesn’t exist.
tick tock, motherfuckers…
2. August 2009 at 3:58 am
Proving the non-existence of god- that’s a difficult one.
Tell me how you disprove the existence of Zeus or the Invisible Pink Unicorn and I’ll borrow that argument . . . if I may.
tock tick
2. August 2009 at 4:33 am
“some people are getting far too serious for a “humour” website” … I don’t know about the site but I haven’t found anything amusing on this page. A few people actually try to communicate something, while most others are potty mouths who fart obscure referenced and consider themselves amusing.
As to disproving God or the Invisible Pink Unicorn, it’s easy only if they are defined, and it’s done by pointing out they are self-contradictory as concepts. The Unicorn is either Invisible, or Pink, but can’t be both at the same time.
Omniscience is a self-contradictory concept alone. From this article:
<blockquoteGod could create a solipsistic being and make that being so that it thinks it created the universe. It could give such a being all knowledge except knowledge that it itself was created. Such a being would have no idea that it was, in fact, a created being and that there was another, higher, creator. If God wanted to create such a deluded being, it could do so. The problem is, our theorized God itself does not know if it exists in such a state of ignorance. In short, God cannot know if it does actually know everything.
2. August 2009 at 6:02 am
would your god want us to turn the other cheek while you are attacking us with the baseball bat?
2. August 2009 at 8:58 am
God had His only son take one fuck of a beating and be nailed to a cross. The least I could do for Him is go Ian Rotten on an atheist’s ass.
And not only do pink unicorn’s rule, but their horns cure poison.
2. August 2009 at 9:01 am
Hey, fuck you, “God is Imaginary,” The Thalidomide Baby Comedy Hour is HILARIOUS. I won’t have you take that from me. Your biases may render anti-atheist material unfunny, but I’m damn proud of that joke.
2. August 2009 at 9:43 am
I can’t prove that Zeus doesn’t exist…or his pink unicorn. In fact, I think you have illustrated MY point, rather well.
2. August 2009 at 10:49 am
All I know about Zeus is that he teamed with “Macho Man” Randy Savage against Hulk Hogan and Brutus Beefcake at Summerslam ‘88. And if you’re gonna tell me that Hogan and the Macho Man don’t exist, mister, then we’re gonna tangle.
3. August 2009 at 12:55 am
the bible is a great book but it is folklore. the story of jesus was plagerised from earlier god hero figures. If an apologist can come up with a better explanation than the only one that has been offered for the last 2000 years by St justin, that the devil counterfeited those stories of the jesus like figures, in advance of the comming of jesus, then i should like to hear it.
3. August 2009 at 3:42 am
Richard Dawkins, evolutionary biologist and prominent atheist, was (at least) once asked “What if you’re wrong? What will you say to God, if one day you die, and go to stand before Him ?” I’m paraphrasing here, but his response was essentially “Well, I would ask why He took such great pains to hide his existence from those who sought the truth.”
@Terry – Yes, it is a great collection of stories, but by no means do I consider it a chronicle of history.
And why does God always appear in visions and “whisper into the ear” of crazy people ? of lunatics ? To have them go out and spread His word… If He’s the all-powerful creator, can’t he just like step up to some sort of celestial microphone and be all “Ahem, excuse me, people of the world. Hi. Let me introduce myself — I am GOD. That is all.”
3. August 2009 at 6:18 am
Look, the Bible was written by dinosaurs. Everyone knows that. And Richard Dawkins may have been the best host of The Family Feud, nearly edging out the guy who hung himself in a mental hospital, but he and his thoughts on God can go screw.
What the hell kind of God would just show up all the time and say, “Hey. How you doing? Nice dress. You know, I’m God. Wanna fuck?” That’s like Nazi Germany or 1984 if God is always around saying, “Nope. I wouldn’t do that, fuckface. I’ll tear your cock off and send you straight to hell.” God ain’t that creepy, you simplistic silly geese.
3. August 2009 at 9:25 am
Atheists. christians. muslims. jews. whatever. I find it best to ignore them all as best as I can and do my own thing. Since I don’t believe in a spiritual god anyway, why even try to make a point? do whatever you gotta do to make yourself comfortable and happy in this world. Leaving people who don’t believe in what you do alone would go a long way in helping MANY people live comfortable and happy lives.
Punching atheists? sounds pretty extreme and immature to me. Why don’t you make a move over to the Middle East where all the rest of the extreme people who don’t mind their own business like to hang out.
3. August 2009 at 5:11 pm
Bunch if the hilarious and sarcastic author of this piece went to the Middle East, how is he going to punch atheists willy nilly like he so clearly enjoys doing? Unless you mean the wonderful rock club on Cambridge, MA. That might be an idea. Start there.
5. August 2009 at 5:35 am
Very interesting comments if a trifle immature. I must say I cannot decide if mfrissore is a card carrying lunatic/nazi/skinhead or some other form of retard but then the world is full of colorful sorts and he is about colorful as a psychedelic LSD trip. I think he might actually have a swastika tattooed to one side of his neck and an inverted crucifix on the other. Having said that he really does come over as the kind of fundamentalist that might carry out the kind of action that we saw on 9/11 so maybe he has an Allah tattoo on his ass.
Now about the existence or non existence of God – I BELIEVE that the theists have never PROVED its existence but neither have the ATHEISTS DISPROVED it. So I prefer to work on mathematical probability and I have to say that in my extremely humble opinion the probability of a creature such as God existing is extremely low. But of course extremely low is not zero so inn the unlikely event that HE (very difinitely not SHE) exists what would His name be? God, Jesus, Yaweh, Allah, Zeus, Budda, or any one of a plethora of different versions. So hey, maybe there are lots of Gods, maybe one for every country or even city.
5. August 2009 at 6:42 am
You throw all this swastika business around like it’s a bad thing, but I happen to be a fan of the era.
Praise be to Allah, you silly, silly goose.
And now I’m a goose steppin’ outta here.
Any more unfunny comments?
3. September 2009 at 1:03 pm
Fucking whiny atheist babies. You’re all a barrel of yuks when it comes to bragging about desecrating hosts on youtube, or invading some religious forum on the internet to “enlighten” the great unwashed, but somebody goes on the offensive and you get all prim about profanity and refusal to engage. Take it like a man or shut the fuck up; you’ve had it coming for a while now, so stop the bawwwing into your neckbeards, turn the fucking computer off, and go talk to a real girl. For once.
16. October 2009 at 2:56 pm
Stupid fucking theist! Only because you lack a decent education and were indoctrinated as a child doesn’t mean jackshit. Dumb fucking asshole!
16. October 2009 at 2:58 pm
Did it really take you six weeks to come up with that? You must have written away to Christopher Hitchens to tell you what you should say. It has the undeniable stamp of his so-called intellect all over it.
29. October 2009 at 12:58 pm
NJH you are the worst kind of religious person there is
You know… it’s because of people like you that Jihads where started and millions of people died
Oh, and by the way, did you really just blame terrorism on atheism?
and 9/11 to boot?
they were all extremely religious people
people JUST like you
who believed that WE were the infidels
so WE should be killed
oh by the way, an infidel, a word which gets tossed around all of the time, means somebody who does not believe in religion so…..
you just COMPLETELY proved the point of atheists who convert from ANY religion so they could stop being a part of what you feel is “just” and “right” thinking
haha
also
“God hates atheists”?
the bible says that, right?
and the bible also says “God accepts all”
right?
explain that one to me
18. January 2010 at 2:24 am
Hey Ho everybody,
What are you all arguing about.Get back to the true & only god, that is the god of Moses,Abraham,Jesus(the real one & Mohammad)
There is no other god than this.The other gods are just created by men.