Up My Own Ass

After the raucous joviality that resulted from one-legged former Paul McCartney spouse Heather Mills’ involvement with ABC’s inexplicable hit Dancing with the Stars, reports have come out that Bravo D-List comedienne Kathy Griffin and former vice president himself Dan Quayle were each contacted by the show. And both had the utter temerity to turn down the invitation.

Kudos to Kathy for realizing that we’ll let her tell us jokes, but nobody wants to see ole horse face in the same outfits that Shannon Elizabeth and Kelly Monaco wore. Thank you, Kathy! As for Quayle, dancing requires basic counting skills, and something as trivial as a reality television program shouldn’t hurt the little fella’s head.

But, fear not, fans of this ridiculous show, for ABC is determined to obtain even better stars for its next season. Here’s a look at who could be now pondering offers:

Susan “Sadie” Atkins – The former member of the Manson family has terminal brain cancer and might soon be set free from prison to live out her last days a bit happier. Reality shows should be chomping at the bit to score her, and DWTS is definitely no exception. Let’s see if Atkins can do to a dance floor what she did to Sharon Tate.

Margie Phelips – The vocal leader of the Westboro Baptist Church is famous for protesting at the funerals of homosexuals, as well as U.S soldiers killed in action in the war. This ornery gal would cause quite a stir on the ole dance floor, especially if the other celebs included the likes of Rosie O’Donnell or Toby Keith. Nothing would make this show more interesting that giving it a little shot of Springer, and seeing if host Tom Bergeron can take a punch.

Abigail Breslin – The show already disgusts viewers by having children perform dances that are called “sexy” when adults do them. Watch the audience cringe as the 12-year-old Breslin dances the Cha Cha Cha with a charming adult male.

Mike Parteleno, John Finnerty, Michael Hebranko, Denny Welch, etc. – Who knows if any of these ginormous half-tonners are still alive? I just want to see them crush one of those smiley dancing gals.

Stephen Hawking – If this guy’s so smart, let’s see him learn a new dance routine every week.

Ali – Float like a butterfly, fall on your face!