Up My Own Ass

PSA: So it seems that it’s not George Lucas’s writing that destroyed the Star Wars franchise, but rather his directing. Luckily Spielberg was at the helm with this film and rumors have it that it doesn’t suck… it’s actually pretty damn good.

Luckily that won’t stop us from speculating exactly how Lucas could have, and might already, decide to retard-up this release:

• Release, re-release and re-re-release special editions of previous Indiana Jones
  • You know it’s coming, you know he’s gonna do it and you know you are going to buy it. Him re-releasing coughed up shit versions of the same movie 10+ times isn’t his problem, he likes money just like the rest of us… it’s your problem for buying every release.
• Forcing famous quotes in “I HATE snakes…”
  • I wouldn’t worry about it… Spielberg is directing, I think he can see shit lines and shit delivery from a mile away (unlike our beard-ier friend apparently can “<restard child voice>Are you an angel?</voice>”
• Using too much CG
  • This was one thing that bugged me about the trailer… did you notice the scene where the stairs grow out of that closing stone temple or when they go running through the water and the gears? Looked really fake… atleast they had the sense to keep the CG on par with the 1980s effects… oh wait, that’s not a good thing =/

Now to blow your goddamn mind right open, 10 things you didn’t know about the original Indiana Jones:

1. Tom Selleck was George Lucas’s original choice for the role but had to turn it down due to his commitment to the US TV series Magnum PI.
2. Indiana Jones was actually Indiana Smith until the first day of shooting.
3. The famous scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where Indy shoots the man dramatically wielding a scimitar was improvised by Harrison Ford. It is rumoured he was suffering from piles and didn’t want to do the extended fight scene that was planned.
4. Sean Connery, who played Indy’s father in The Last Crusade, is only 12 years older than Harrison Ford.
5. Renowned British wrestler and Auf Wiedersehen Pet star Pat Roach was killed twice in Raiders of the Lost Ark (as a Sherpa in the bar fight and as the Nazi pugilist who meets the wrong end of a propeller) and is pushed into a rock crusher in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
6. Harrison Ford got his distinctive chin scar in a car crash in his 20s.
7. R2-D2 and C3PO, the robots from Star Wars, can be seen in the hieroglyphics in the Well of Souls in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
8. The “chilled monkey-brains” in Temple of Doom were actually made from custard and raspberry sauce.
9. Steven Spielberg and George Lucas play missionaries in the airport at the start of Temple of Doom.
10. Indiana Jones’ horse in The Last Crusade was also John Rambo’s horse in Rambo III.

So there you have it… if you didn’t want to see the movie before, you sure as hell want to see it now. I’d suggest standing up at your desk and just walking out of the office to go see it.