Up My Own Ass

Well word on the street is that John Mayer is apparently quite the amazing lover.

Sources close to Jennifer Aniston (Mayer’s new flame) are saying that Aniston can’t stop smiling because she is getting “good homegrown dick”* from the rock-star.

* This is a quote from me; I quote myself… I’m that important.

Apparently Mayer likes to get kinky in the sack with food, whip-cream and role playing. Rumor has it Jessica Simpson “misses” John, but not so much for the pleasant conversation as much as his p-e-n-i-s (that spells “PENIS”).

I like to role-play too. Sometimes I’ll throw the old giraffe uniform on and my wife will dress up like a giant African mole… oh yea… YOU know what I’m getting at <making lawn-mower motions with his hand>

In an attempt to understand how Mayer got to the position he’s currently in, I hit the books and ran the numbers… the calculations I came up with are surprising, but also irrefutable.

Science

+ John Mayer

+ Leprechaun

+ Wish “Awesome”

—————

Result: John Mayer is Awesome

Ancillary Result: My self-loathing is higher than it’s ever been

Award-winning musician, good looking and only has sex with super models, leading actresses and then they gossip about how awesome he is in bed… ummm…

Dear John Mayer,

If you need a new best friend that will let you walk on him through rain so you don’t get your shoes wet, chew your food for you and generally shower you in praise please contact me by looking outside your living room window… down in the gardenias.

Your’s Truly, Up My Own Ass Writer

How could any guy hang out Mayer and not eventually develop clinical depression?

• Me: Yea so I’m thinking of getting the new 3G iPhone
• John: Cool, Apple sent it to me like 3 months ago to try out for free.
• Me: Oh… ok maybe I’ll play some Grand Theft Auto 4 on my 360.
• John: Oh I’m SOOO bored of GTA4. Rockstar sent me a preview build of Grand Theft Auto 5 on a development Xbox 720 from Microsoft.
• Me: *sigh*… ok well I guess I’ll go to the gym, do some cardio.
• John: Yea I’m sorta bored… I guess I’ll go have sex with Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston or someone else hot.
• Me: <starts cutting self with tin-can lids>

I should really try not to dwell on this, and instead look on the bright side: I’m awesome. I make bird calls during sex, my wife stopped crying and walking out during it and I’ve been told that if I get any balder I’ll be as bald as Bruce Willis… so yea, Bruce Willis.

I might not be famous like John Mayer, I might not have “a penis”, good looks or any of my original teeth but I do OK by Uzebekistan standards*.

* I don’t actually, I cry while I write for this blog… the tears make the keys slippery so sometimes I’ll mess up and type nonsensical words… I hate myselfWOOPS…

P.S.> If you haven’t seen the John Mayer Funny-or-Die “How to Make a Music Video” video yet, check it out.