Up My Own Ass

Someone named Katy Perry currently has a hit song called “I Kissed a Girl.” Nice. The title alone gives me a special feeling. One would think that the tune’s biggest sin is that it’s a little derivative of the 1995 Jill Sobule single of the same name. But, brother, the Havens Corners Church in Columbus, Ohio sure as heck doesn’t think so.

To perhaps try to reach out to the kids, specifically the young gals who might be driven to do some girl-on-girl snogging because of this song, Pastor David Allison recently displayed the none-too-subtle message, “I kissed a girl and I liked it, then I went to Hell” via the li’l message board outside the church’s doors. You would think that having a girl’s name would make him a bit more hip to the wonders of lesbianism, but this gent has his li’l pastor robe in a bunch.

Showing a clear lack of understanding of what signs are for, Reverend Ally McQueer Hater told reporters that he didn’t put the sign up to draw attention to the church. No, he put the sign up because he’s anti-kissing. He doesn’t like it. It’s icky. The sign itself – regardless of the stupid Katy “the Refrigerator” Perry ditty – is certainly not gender specific. Surely many members of his congregation have no idea this song even exists. They had to be left thinking the ole fella just needs to get laid. Gosh, Davey, Protestant clergy can marry. So shag, Davey, shag! Take the advice of the hideous singing sea creatures in The Little Mermaid, and “Kiss the girl,” for fuck’s sake.

This is not the first time that this particular church has come under fire for its clever, damning messages. Back in 1984, when the Cyndi Lauper record “She Bop” hit the charts, Pastor Hugo Nancy posted a sign reading, “She Bop straight into the fires of Hades, little missy.” And, about the 1970s gay anthem “YMCA,” the church posted something saying, “YMCA stands for ‘You Mother Can’t Help You When You’re Roasting in Hell, Faggot!” But this latest one is probably the most controversial sign posted in the U.S. since the “Congratulations, Eric and Dylan” board went up outside a Chinese restaurant in Littleton, Colorado in April 1999.

When reached for comment, Katy Perry said, “That’s weird. I had that hell thing as the original full title of the song.” Yeah, I’ll bet you did, Jill Sobule Lite. Never mind this Allison guy. The real issue here is this: Have our 90s alterative rock goddesses been so forgotten that a song like this can be recorded? Miss Perry thought she could just steal the title of a wonderful mid-90s tune about two young ladies smooching under the stars and get away with it? Is the rest of Perry’s scissoring, dyke album chockfull of titles borrowed from Juliana Hatfield and Veruca Salt songs? Oh, it best not be, Katy Perry, or you’ll have me to answer to.