Up My Own Ass

I’m tired of lists. Everywhere you go there’s another frigging list. Every Web site you visit. Every stupid magazine you pick up. Hey, here are the Top Ten Venereal Diseases! Come see our list of the Top 25 Abortions Ever Performed! Even on television, VH1 has them all the time, TV Guide and TV Land team up for some incredible ones. Like, they had the “100 Most Unexpected TV Moments” a while back. Now, try to guess what Number 1 was. Ruby shooting Oswald? No! Wasn’t even on the list. Apparently everyone knew that was going to happen? What about R. Bud Dwyer calling a press conference and then shooting himself in the mouth? Boring! We’ve been expecting that since Christine Chubbock offed herself on TV 13 years prior. No, the Number One moment was the last stupid episode of Newhart. Eww. Of course, later, when TV Guide did the “100 Most Memorable Moments,” then, Oswald being shot was Number 14. 14! Apparently memorable, but not very unexpected.

I always remember The National Review’s list of the Top 50 Conservative Songs. Oh, you just had a whole bunch of dandy songs about carrying guns and how we hate taxes. And nowhere was my favorite song, Cheap Trick’s “Surrender,” in which a set of parents warn their child to stay away from the broads less he catch the syphilis or the herpes.

AFI is always coming up with lists. “The Top 100 Uses of the Word ‘Cunt” in Cinema.” Number 1 - when that prisoner threw jizz at Jodie Foster in The Silence of the Lambs. “Top 100 Rape Scenes.” Again, Number 1 - Jodie Foster in The Accused.

It was ListVerse.com that finally drove me crazy. They just recycle any old list. Who cares? This week they have the “Top 10 Overrated Movies.”  Yeah, great list, except Premiere did the Top 20 two years ago. And Clerks and Chicago were on their lists too, you hacks.

Everything’s been about lists since stupid Forbes, Letterman, and that damn Casey Kasem. Since the Ten Commandments! See, I knew the Bible was somehow responsible for this. The Bible and that damnn false idol Santa Claus with his “naughty and nice” horseshit. You could go your whole life just making lists. Top Ten Things I Think I Might Have For Breakfast. Top Ten Teeth I’m Going to Brush Now. Top Ten Diseases I Wish Upon Every Person Responsible For Churning Out These Asinine Lists. Say, I might do that one. What should be number one? AIDS or cancer? Hmm.