Up My Own Ass

As the Drug Enforcement Administration continues to investigate the “accidental” overdose death of Australian actor Heath Ledger, Mary-Kate Olsen, granddaughter of photojournalist Jimmy Olsen, and member of the infamous Olsen Twins, is refusing to speak to authorities without the promise of immunity.

Immunity? She has watched one too many episodes of Survivor. I knew it. I was right about Scott Peterson from day one, and I was right about this skinny twat. She killed one of our most beloved actors, perhaps out of jealousy because his portrayal of the Joker in The Dark Knight is the only thing on Earth scarier than she is. So she had young Heathcliff snuffed out in a oxycodone and hyhdrocodone-induced rage.

And I’ll tell you what, he wasn’t the first. Someone find out where she was when Brad Renfro dropped dead. I don’t care what problems that boy had, his death always sounded fishy to me. That lying, murderous succubus has already practically killed Bob Saget, comedically, anyway. Millions of people still think of him as stupid Danny Tanner, thanks to her, instead of the raunchy comic he’s always been.

I’ll bet she killed Kennedy too, that crazy coked out witch and her anorexic superpowers. How, with all her and her brother’s Bible thumping, did Candace Cameron never exorcise the demon that is Mary-Kate Olsen? She had eight whole seasons to do it, but was probably busy expelling the hundreds of absolutely hilarious cartoon characters out of Dave Coulier’s body. Yeah, thanks, Candi!

It wouldn’t surprise me if Miss Mary-Kate tries to pin this on sister Ashley. Watch for that one. I don’t even think there is an “Ashley Olsen,” if you want to know the truth. She’s just a demented hologram created by MK. Olsen is a not quite as evil, and much less lifelike, version of semi-popular animated 80s rock goddess Jem with her dabblings in witchcraft and other forms of sinister trickery. Yes, I know Jem and Jerica were never seen together, and Ashley and Mary-Kate almost always are. Fuck off! It’s all part of Mary Kate’s chicanery!

Hollywood should keep an eye on its hunky young stars before this elfin ghoul decides to kill again. And, if the DEA can’t stop her, the CIA, FBI, and Ghostbusters better get on it as well.