Up My Own Ass

Senator John McCain, the gruff Republican presidential hopeful, Vietnam veteran, and maker of delicious food products such as Pizza Pockets and many great frozen potato-based snacks, finally chose his running mate on Friday. And it is Alaska governor Sarah Palin, believed to be a cousin or perhaps niece of Monty Python funnyman Michael Palin. And conservatives around the country lost their shit upon hearing the news.

Conservative radio host Sean Hannity claimed to be “literally jazzed,” as old black men played trumpets and saxophones all over his studio on Friday, and host Laura Ingraham reportedly had the cancer vanish from her body completely when she was told Palin was McCain’s pick.

For the rest of us, other than being reminded that, oh yeah, Alaska is indeed one of our states, we are left asking, “Who is this Sarah Palin?” Well, since you asked, Mr. Pushy Pants, Governor Palin is, first and foremost, a former beauty queen and champion athlete. So, if you ever wanted Maria Sharapova as vice-president, this is as close to that wet dream as you will ever come, pervert. But don’t get any ideas because her hubby is a world champion snow machine racer, which I guess means either Zambonis or Snoopy Sno-Cone Machines, but I don’t know how you’d race those. I guess it’s who can make the Sno-Cone the fastest.

Palin reportedly has an 80 percent approval rating in her home state. What this means, who knows? Blubber and daylight probably have the same approval rating in Alaska. She also sounds far too much like Saturday Night Live alum Julia Sweeney when she speaks to be taken seriously.

But enough about her. It was announced this weekend that Palin’s daughter Bristol, named after either the race track in Tennessee or the cigarette brand (It’s hard to tell, as she has a son named Track, but also two other daughters named Kool and Eve Ultra Lights), is pregnant at the tender age of 17, and apparently the Eskimo or caribou that knocked her up intends to marry her. What a stand-up fella!

The angle in this VP choice is that Republicans believe Palin will bring the Hilary supporters to the dark side (not literally - this dark side would be McCain). Surely, McCain supporters have said, these gals will blindly follow anyone without a penis. Hell, put Andrea Yates or Squeaky Fromme on the ticket and these dizzy broads will line up and vote for her twice.

This will all lead to a mixed tag team Vietnamese cage match of Barack and Michelle Obama versus McCain and Palin sometime in October. Experts say the winner of this bout will most likely win the election in November.