Up My Own Ass

Word on the wire (that’s awesome-talk for “internet”) is that Megan Fox has cut things off with Brian Austin Green, or “The DJ from 90210″ – if you are in your 30s.

Are any of us that surprised that this happened? Green having no acting career and Megan Fox more or less being the new hot thing in Hollywood, how long was that super-solid relationshit going to last?

It probably didn’t help when I called Megan and told her to break things off because I was finally ready to commit.

Fox has been hounding me for years after she saw me compete in a “Handsomest Bachelor” competition a few years back. Funnily enough, I don’t even have to show up to compete anymore, I just sent in a wallet-sized photo of myself and they stuck it up there next to the other contestants with “1st Place!” on it before the competition even started.

But whatever… this news is suppose to be about Megan… or Meg… or “Lefty” as I call her; because she’s right-handed. You probably wouldn’t understand the irony involved there, you aren’t a world-renound author like I am.

I’m pretty sure things between Fox and I will work out; she’s a lucky girl to have me. I’ve already bought a pair of high-heels for her with like 4″ heels on them and told my maid to go get me everything used to make sammiches, so as long as she stays in the kitchen and makes me sammiches, she won’t have to meet Colonel Learning (that’s what I named the back of my right hand).

Thanks Extrawhoredinary!