Up My Own Ass

Winner of about a cajillion gold medals, Olympic doggy paddler Michael Phelps has gone from the new Hannah Montana to the greatest athlete ever to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ Himself, as he has announced that he will actually walk on water during his last race in the summer Olympics.

Phelps, who denies any relation to the God and America-hating Phelps family of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, won his most recent race, then painted a sign saying, “This is our OOL. Notice there’s no P in it. Let’s keep it that way,” before the last swimmer reached the finish line.

Phelps has also said that while walking on water he will be wearing a pair of the new, controversial “High School Musical” young girls underwear that say “Dive in” on the front.

While Phelps’ popularity continues to grow, he does have his critics, many of whom ask why steroids are bad but consuming 12,000 calories a day, which Phelps recently admitted to, is okay. Still others say he can’t be all that great if we only hear from him every four years, which makes him four times as lame as Jimmy Buffet, the Fat Boys, and voting.

Even celebrities have been chiming in on Phelps.

“Swimming’s not a sport,” said comedian George Carlin from beyond the grave. “Swimming is a way to keep from drowning.”

“I pity the fool,” Mr. T said recently. “Who thinks they have more gold than me.”

Another segment of the pro-Olympics/anti-Phelps contingent claims that the only reason for Phelps’ success is that blacks don’t swim. Put Carl Lewis or Michael Johnson in the water and the Phelps and Spitzes of the world would drown from fear. Phelps is just racially lucky, like 2006 Olympic medal-winning figure skaters Shizuka Arakawa and Borat.

However, there are still dozens of Michael Phelps fans who insist that the swimmer could probably outswim Carl Lewis, Aqua Man, and even Misterjaw, the top hat and bow tie-wearing cartoon shark who used to shock everyone by popping out of the ocean and shouting, “Gotcha!”

But this reporter says, oh, yeah, Mr. Phelps? Let’s see you go one on one with LeBron James, or catch a pass thrown by Tom Brady, or face Triple H in a steel cage! It ain’t gonna happen, Phelpsy. So you just keep on swimming. My niece learned how to do that and she’s not even two.