Up My Own Ass

So, let me get this straight…earlier this week, Tiger Woods backed into a fire hydrant, bonked his head, went to the emergency room, and now today he is an adulterous manwhore?

It must be a pretty slow news week if that is what people are getting all riled up about. 

I am reading lots and lots of random comments about how he has disappointed people and how those people have completely lost respect for him because he cheated on his wife.  Now, while I can understand that adultery is generously considered a grievous affront, I also know that there are always two sides to each story.   So, before we nail him to a cross and wait for Elin Nordegerdeborkbork’s post-breakup talk show tour, let’s just look at it from a slightly more jaded perspective, shall we?

Instead of just assuming that Tiger Woods is an irretrievable cockbag who can’t keep his balls out of everyone’s holes, let’s focus instead on the supposed fact that in 2004, his blushing bride-to-be signed a prenup agreeing to stay married to him for 10 years, and for such consideration would be paid 20 million dollars.  Nothing says “true and abiding love” like a 20 million dollar paycheck. 

Now, if I were a Swedish nanny (or whatever the hell she is), and I spent my time playing step-and-fetch-it for a wealthy family, and suddenly a wealthy sports celebrity is offering me a nice chunk’o'change to be his permanent arm-candy, I wouldn’t even have to think twice before signing on that dotted line.  BUT, by signing on that dotted line, she became a very highly paid employee of Tiger Woods INC.  Furthermore, by producing offspring, she guaranteed a big, fat retirement for herself…and now she’s going to bitch about it?  If he had to bribe her for a ten-year contract, chances are better than average that he was a known philanderer and she was promising to overlook his dalliances in exchange for…well…any damn thing she wanted.  I haven’t read any news stories about her being hurt and confused by his transgressions, only that her and her lawyers are negotiating an even bigger, fatter payday that could net her upwards of 75 million dollars over the next several years.

I’m not buying the crocodile tear bullshit, and I am not getting on the “let’s all hate Tiger Woods” bandwagon.  She’s as much a golddigger as he is a cheater, only she probably knew about his crap from the get-go. 

The bottom line is that this whole story is ridiculous…I mean REALLY stupid.  He backed over a fire hydrant.  It seems like the Tiger Woods’ publicity machine is working really hard to make this into something newsworthy.  I propose that we all make a concerted effort NOT to follow this story ANY further. 

And that’s NAGGERS.  Gosh.