Up My Own Ass

President Elect Barack Obama says he is putting the country’s economic crisis on hold for the time being in favor of a much greater issue: Oprah Winfrey’s latest battle with her stupid weight.

Winfrey bravely came out about her most recent fattening up last month, causing those across the U.S. to pause – as they lose everything from their jobs to their homes – and realize that that are those who are much worse off than they are.

In December, Ole Fatso told anyone who would listen that she has again gained about 40 pounds. Rather than ask, “So what’s new?” the media ran with the story and the problems facing Wall Street, Main Street and Sesame Street have taken a rather large back seat to the eating disorder of the Queen of Potato Chips.

Sources close to the Winfrey camp (where I spent many of my summers as a boy) say the television host has been depressed lately (poor, poor girl), and has seemingly lost her usual zest for life, largely due to all her campaigning for Senator McCain not paying off.

But Obama, being the miracle worker that he is, is letting bygones be bygones by placing Oprah’s getting past all this at the top of his agenda.

Despite the backing of the next president, Oprah “playa hatas” are saying that the weight issue is all a play to land Winfrey an endorsement deal with a weight loss program. Still others believe that it is a reaction to the ratings drop Oprah saw during her political silliness of 2008, and a return to the ratings her hundreds of weight issue shows brought in the past is much wanted.

There are also those who state that they have neighbors and friends who recently hanged themselves and who will be feeding their children dirt for at least a year. Not even in the spoon or cup, mind you. Just cupped handfuls of dirt. But a gazillion dollars, the first black president, and four bags of Ruffles a day isn’t enough to keep Oprah shuckin’ and jivin’ on cloud nine. Die, Oprah! Die, like Mama Cass and Mable King before you, you fat, selfish twat!

That’s what some are saying.

What all this means for the country’s economic crisis no one can say. We will have to wait and see until Oprah is back down to her target weight. What we do know is that when she gets there, she will remain unfuckable to much of the U.S. male population.