Up My Own Ass

The biggest story entering the 2008 NFL season has been Brett Favre being a big pain is the ass with his, “I’m retiring. No I’m not,” business in Green Bay. Now the crybaby is with the Jets, like stars Joe Namath and Riff from West Side Story before him. Great. Good luck, stupid. Here’s hoping for a Pro Bowl season from Aaron Rogers.

But the horse’s ass award easily goes to Cincinnati Bangles wide receiver Chad Ocho Cinco, formerly Chad Johnson. Johnson, who wears number 85, has been referring to himself by the name “Ocho Cinco” for quite a while, but has now gone off the deep end by wanting to officially change his name, a la wrestler The Ultimate Warrior. Not at all learning from former NBA star Dennis Rodman’s brief stint as “Orgasm” years ago, Groucho Ringo continues to make a spectacle of himself. Should we expect to see Mr. Mucho Dingo in Vince McMahon’s WWE soon?

Tinkle Tinkle requested a trade during the off season, but Bangles GM Susanna Hoffs didn’t bite. WKRP reported that after the Reds traded away both Adam Dunn and Ken Griffey Jr this summer, the Queen City’s pseudo-football team wasn’t about to let Bango Tango whine his way out of Cincy. And the NFL has now said Johnson cannot have Flamenco Buttafuoco or any other bizarre name of the back of his jersey. But I say let him do it. Give him the name. Then the Bangles should go ahead and trade him. Trade the freak for a bucket of Gatorade to a team on which the number 85 is completely unavailable. The Detroit Lions and St. Louis Rams have retired the number. Send him there and teach him a lesson, with the stupid name Ocho Cinco on his jersey and the number 185 underneath it.

Johnson had only one reception in the first game of the season for the Bangles. That’s one more than I got and I was at home watching another game. So not only can’t Uno Receptio use his silly name, but he’s on pace for a whopping 16 catches this season. It’ll be a hazy shade of winter in Cincinnati this year.