Up My Own Ass

Well children, it’s that time of the year where you sit at a long banquet table with relatives you know about as well as the guy who washed your windshield at the Chevron last Tuesday and you spout contrived, cliche’ bullshit about what it is you are supposed to be thankful for.  Great!!!

In the spirit of the season I thought I would give you all a peek-e-poo of some of the things that I am thankful for.  Feel free to add your own.  I will sit and listen politely and prented like I’m interested:

1) Celebrity Wardrobe Malfunctions: I am so very thankful for the joyous occasion in which a celebrity A-lister comes popping out of her thin, strappy, you-deserve-for-it-to-fall-apart evening dress.

Please don’t let her notice for at least a few seconds so the paparazzi can take a good twenty or thirty stills that I will be able to view from various angles online a few hours later. This is what keeps me going… this is one of the reasons I wake up in the morning so don’t ruin it.

2) Idiots: Thank you for the two thirds of the earth’s population who would rather light a fart or try to leap over a friends car as it accelerates toward them then let their comedic genius pass unceremoniously.

You at least provide the rest of us with countless hours of entertainment, even though it is mostly at your expense and god knows how much higher my insurance premiums are because I also have to cover you guys.

Keep up the bad work!

3) Lucky Charms: Okay…this one is a no-brainer.

No matter how old I get I can’t frickin’ stop loving Lucky Charms.  Whoever came up with the idea of putting marshmallows in a breakfast food with an Irish stereotype plastered on the package should be given a freakin’ medal.

Who knew starting your day off with bowl full of rainbow-diabetes could put such a big smile on your face?

Thanks again, General Mills!! You make my mornings, and sometimes my evenings, magically delicious.

4) Alcoholic Beverages: Hey, statistics don’t lie.  Baby-mammas, nerds getting laid, everyone who has ever been on COPS, and the idiots mentioned earlier would not exist without my good friends Cappy Mo, Jay Beam, and Johnny Daniels.  You can call them that when you know them as well as I do.

Okay, I lied… I have no statistics, but just think about all of the drunken hilarities that have graced your life due to Boozy Bobby or Margarita Señorita telling you that they love you for two hours (patent pending on my new Sesame Street characters).

5) People Who Can’t Sing: Congratulations!  You make the first twenty seconds of the American Idol season interesting.

Even though we aren’t sure if you do it for the attention (hilarious!) or because you actually think you can rival Rhianna (even more hilarious!!!), the rest of us are still thankful that we don’t sing as obnoxiously as you do (or we’re just smart enough to know better).

Plus, I needed an excuse to post this vid, my brudda!