Up My Own Ass

New developments from Beijing are pouring in: none of what you’re seeing about the Olympics is real. In fact, there AREN’T even any Olympic games this year! They occurred last year - don’t you remember? check your calendar - in Fiji. Don’t think that’s right? That’s exactly what Mao Zedong WANTS you to believe. Big brother is watching you Americans through the Bamboo Curtain, with you and your “Made in America” tags on your gadgets and clothes nowadays, but don’t let him pull the panda fur over your eyes.

To prove the country’s worth to the world in its emergence from under its Red blanket, China has amassed its bazillion dollar lead-laden toy industry profits to pull off the largest feat of Computer Graphic Imagery known to man by completely fabricating an entire Olympic games! That’s right folks, that astounding fireworks display opening night? FAKE. The crooning darling singing “Ode to the Motherland”? FAKE. (It was actually a different girl singing, one who wasn’t deemed “cute enough” for the stage. Tell me, what 7-year-olds AREN’T cute like little puppies are cute??) The government-sponsored ages of the gold-medal female gymnasts? …Well, how many 16 year olds do you know who weigh 68 POUNDS and are capable of much more athletic feat than holding their own hair back while they purge after lunch, let alone a triple tornado twist on the uneven bars? FAKE!!

China had a real opportunity to show the world what they’re all about with these games. And I guess they have. Lesson learned?: My orange chicken at Panda Express really IS just as authentic as anything I’d find in China after all!