Up My Own Ass

Alaskan governor and actual VP candidate Sarah Palin dropped the ceremonial first puck at a game between the Philadelphia Flyers and the New York Rangers last weekend and was not only booed by the Philly fans, but checked into the boards by several Flyers players.

But the joke was on her anyway, as it wasn’t a puck she was holding, but one of the urinal cakes from the mens rooms.

The world famous hockey mom/teen pregnancy mom/Downs mom, who nearly played Marge Gunderson in the Coen Brothers film Fargo, marched her entire family onto the cold, slippery ice as fans hurled moose parts and borscht at them.

Palin responded by shouting, “But I’m a hockey mom!” and “I said thanks, but no thanks to the bridge to nowhere!” and “Lipstick!” Yet the fans kept booing, even when Palin’s husband Tom Arnold hijacked a zamboni and raced it around the rink.

During the third period, some Russian player scored his third goal of the night, thus making a hat trick, and one fan grabbed little Trig Palin and tossed him onto the ice.

The adorable Philadelphia fans, in the past, have booed Santa Claus and handicapped children, and even cheered injured former Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Michael Irvin before he was carried off the field on a stretcher. So Palin’s people were shocked by the reception she was given. Of course, the biggest shock in this story is that hockey still exists. Most Americas thought Palin was a bit looney with her “hockey mom” business, but this incident serves as proof that there is still hockey in the U.S., even in a legitimate city like the City of Brotherly Love.

In other sports news, staying with the Cradle of Liberty, those daffy bastards could very well be enjoying their first World Series in 15 years, where they will beat the shit out of fans wearing the opposing team’s gear and send death threats to any Phillies player who fucks up, a la Mitch Williams. But they deserve it for having the name of a female horse.

A team the Phillies could be facing in the Series is the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. With the success of rookie third baseman Evan Longoria, the D-Rays will spend the off season looking to sign more players with male versions of the names of Desperate Housewives cast members. Team scouts are on the lookout for players named Terrence Hatcher, Felix Huffman, Marc Cross, Nicholas Sheridan and Dan Delany. Meanwhile, the team’s winning 2008 season put to rest rumors that they would be changing their name to the Tuberculosis Devil Rays.

Also during the baseball off season, executives will meet to determine whether announcers should stop using the term “flied” to indicate what a player might have done to left field, instead of the proper English word “flew.” After all, says commissioner Ty Cobb, you wouldn’t say, “I flied to Detroit last week, then flied back to hell.”