Up My Own Ass

I hope this image becomes ingrained in your mind.  Focus on it. This is the first thing that I want you to think about whenever you hear, are reminded of, or even see the words “best” and “buy” crammed together in big black letters with a yellow backdrop.  Time and time again Best Buy finds more sadistic, diabolical ways to cram it home to the consumer, keeping us all out of the money or replacement equipment that we rightfully deserve without so much as dinner or drinks first.

Let me take you back a few years…

I innocently stroll into my local Best Buy to purchase a 3rd generation ipod video (I know its old, tech geeks…STFU).  Soon after, like Foust, I am enticed by the devil’s-deal warranty that is available for the item.  Now, I am generally skeptical of warranties offering full replacement (…replacement valid only in Alaska, on the second Sunday of October, from the hours of 10:00am - 10:01am, during full moon, on a leap year…), and for the money you have to pay for one, sometimes it doesn’t seem worth it.  This one was about $80, if I remember correctly.

Hmmm…before I sign in blood or relinquish custody of my first born, I decide a few questions are in order.  After all, I’m not going to stand there like a jackass and read all of the fine print on the warranty.  Have you seen those things?  It’s all legal-eze in 0.00025 font with more words than a civil war novel.  I took the easy way out:

“So, if I throw this at a brick wall and bring the pieces into you, then you guys will replace it?”

To which I was told:

“Anything, but a total loss of the unit”

DONE!!!  I’m golden right?

A few months later I have a problem with my unit (hahaha…”unit”) and I need to replace it.  Apparently, I found out the hard way that ipods don’t like to operate after you accidently knock one into an open toilet while brushing your teeth.

So I take it in, cleverly disguised as an ipod that “will no longer charge”, and I get all this crap from the elephant woman behind the counter.  She claims that these policies only cover a replacement “below a certain memory level.”  Of course, my ipod breaks the threshold.

I was also told that their policy on returns had changed since my purchase and would have fully replaced my equipment a few months back.  How can this be?  How could a warranty change after the product has been sold?  Its contract! Scripture!!  They can’t frickin’ do this to me, can they!?!

After raised voices, idle threats, and talks with the manager I’m told that they can send it off for technical inspection and if a replacement is deemed necessary then a replacement is what I will receive.

The heavens have opened and a ray of light hath shone upon me!  Salvation!!!  Or is it?  After the 4-6 weeks it takes these dumbasses to inspect my unit (haha…that seriously never gets old) I get a phone call from the store telling me that water damage isn’t covered on what has now become my “replacement plan” warranty.  Motherfucker!!!

More raised voices, some serious threats, and other arguing techniques ensue.  I’m up shit’s creek and trying to row with both hands, but the current is too strong.  I’m a lost traveler in the desert…I can’t…fight…must…go on…

Then a buddies girlfriend tells me she had the same issue and she filed a claim directly with Apple and got her ipod replaced.

Ohhhh…

So, I try it and (gasp) it worked! Apple not only gave me a brand new ipod, but they even sent me shipping materials to return my damaged unit (Hahaha…one last dick joke).

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  Silver lining.  Good ending.  Credits roll.  Everyone cries.  Fin.  Yes?  Oh, no, no, no.  I’m bringing up my old shit to usher in the new.

It has come to my attention recently, through a barrage of junk and spam email, that Best Buy (and a few other retail stores) are charging a 15% restocking fee for returning certain items.  Really!?! Another reason for me to depise this despot of electronic equipment? Oh yes, A 15% restocking fee will be charged for returns of opened notebook computers, projectors, camcorders, digital cameras, GPS navigators…basically anything expensive.  Be wary purchasing any of these items as you may also only have 14 days to return them.

So, instead of reading the fine print or making sure you won’t have to pay $300 to return a $2000 HDTV because it doesn’t fit on the wall in your mother’s basement (uh… this may only be my problem), just cut off the head.

I am done with the middle man.  I purchased my Sirius directly from their site.  It was broken.  I sent it back, got a new one, and…and…and (wait for it) got credit for the subscription time that I lost in the process.  No way!  Replaced, plus money for time served?  How cool is that?

No more Best Buy, people!  Fight the man, the system, the dictator, fuhrer, or whatever colorful name you think suits, and do your best to buy from the manufacturer or from another proprietor that will actually give a shit and uphold the “golden rule” warranty that we all try to live by.