Up My Own Ass

News just got out that Ryan Reynolds has proposed to Scarlett Johansson and she has agreed to marry him. I was surprised to see Reynolds move on so quickly from his 27-year engagement to Alanis Morissette to Scarlett.

I really felt like he and Alanis had something deep going on… they could appreciate each other as artists, and even comfort one another through the stresses of living a life as a movie/music star.

Reynolds was also tied to Jessica Biel at one point which was a move that made sense, both with up-and-coming careers as well as both of them being heavily into physical fitness. You figure they would have plenty to discuss and related to one another about.

When I heard the news about Reynolds proposing to Johansson after such a short period of time I was stunned… even perplexed. I immediately started digging through material on the subj…

sweet mama-mia-baby-buggy-bumpers… A+… wait no 100%… wait here <hands over car keys to computer screen> take these, you should have it… you deserve it more than I do.

I’m envisioning how the proposal went in my head… and given my extensive knowledge of analytical science-math, I can say this is exactly how it went down:

• Ryan: Hi I’m Ryan.
• (Topless) Scarlett: Hi Ryan, I’m Scarlett.
• Me: Hey guys, what’s up. I was just here hanging out without my shirt on.
• (Topless-er) Scarlett: Oh my god, your abs are incredible. It’s hard for me to do crunches… or even basic motor functions with these…
• Ryan: I am a virgin and like Dungeons and Dragons. I just pissed all over myself… do you smell that? That’s me, I’ve been eating a lot of asparagus and it makes your piss smell like poo.
• (Topless, but with 4 breasts now) Scarlett: Do you want to go out sometime abs-guy? Ryan Reynolds is a little whiny girl that you could take in a fight no problem.
• (Have grown a full beard since I last talked) Me: Whatever. I’m bored, let’s go.

* I have science to prove all of this happened.

So yea, congratulations Ryan and Scarlett. I could tell from the first day I saw you two together that you were going to make the perfect couple. You have very similar tastes with Scarlett doing a lot of indie films and Reynolds doing the Blade movie… when you look at it really, the scripts between Blade 3 and Lost in Translation were almost identical. The vampires were just a metaphor for life… and Bill Murray was a… metaphor… for… fighting… vampires… which is a life lesson for…