Up My Own Ass

I like to help people when I can… no scratch that… I like to help humanity when I can, which is always.

That’s the way I roll.

Given that (and my ripped abs), when you think of the phrase “bedroom eyes”, like “Jennifer is giving me her bedroom eyes”, do you think of a sultry sexy look, or a dead-pan fish stare that says: “I ovulate bolts”?

I would consider the picture at the beginning of this article of Dasha Astafieva, “bedroom eyes”… more infactly I would consider them “I am no longer wearing pants” eyes, but if she knew that, she’d probably be fumbling for her cell phone trying to call me and get her sex on… I’m busy, I can’t deal with latchy women right now, I got two foot-long subs from Subway cause of that $6 deal and now I have a situation on my hands, a situation people.

Now that we’ve covered what we agree “bedroom eyes” are, let’s take a look at something I ran across while browsing my normal sites and celebrity news site.

Take the picture on the right, it’s a shot of Selma Blair on the set of a show she’s working on: Kath and Kim, now those are bedroom eyes. But not the same quality of bedroom eyes as Dasha, these are more along the lines of “prison bunk-mate” eyes. All you have to do is look at her and know that:

A. You are getting raped, and raped good.

B. You are now her bitch, regardless of previous bitch-affiliation.

The pink hat might otherwise ruin the dead-pan steel-vagina stare but I think it helps wrap the look together, sort of how that bowler hat did for that guy in Clockwork Orange.

I can’t say the bikini chosen here for Ms. Blair is all that flattering and most likely the case of her rape-eyes. Would you like to work all day wearing that? I would, because I would look great in it, but we’re talking about you here… sicko.

Thanks The Superficial!