Up My Own Ass

For their attempt to unselfishly add yet another Jewish holiday to the calendar, five Missouri sixth graders face suspension and mini-sensitivity training.

It happened during “Spirit Week,” and in the spirit of the school’s “Hug a Friend Day,” (By the way, it’s days with this name that should truly be banned) that these young go-getters created “Hit a Jew Day” to involve some of their school’s minority students.

This is exactly why kids are playing video games instead of participating in after-school activities. You start a little club in which some non-Gentiles get slapped around a bit and suddenly the shit hits the fan. And this was after some other students created “High Five Day,” or “Hi-V Day,” no doubt to spit on students who contracted the virus that causes AIDS. You don’t see anyone getting in trouble for that, do you? These five youngsters simply said, “Hey, what about our Jewish classmates?”

The school’s principal was quoted, in typical self-serving fashion, as saying, “What’s tomorrow going to be? ‘Hit a Principal Day?’” Yes, because that’s the progression, what with the six million principals who were killed in World War II.

What you won’t read in the article is that the students were planning other special days, including “Wet Willie a Mexican Day,” and “Teabag a Swede Day.” They were trying to be all-inclusive. What you will read is that “Hit a Tall Person Day” was apparently A.O.K. with everyone at the school. Why is it fine to subject the freakishly tall kids to punches but now Jews? What if they had “Wedgie a Fat Kid Day,” which was every day when I was in school. But nowadays that wouldn’t be tolerated. Yet these poor basketball-or-freak-show bastards can’t catch a break.

So the moral of this story is that the tall in this Munchkinland world we live in have suffered long enough, especially in Missoura. I hope the kids or teachers who invented “Hit a Tall Person Day” are executed. Stop the violence against tall people, and, by the way, don’t hug a friend. Unless the friend is hot. Then, by all means, cop a feel.