Up My Own Ass

While viewers from the U.S. to Myanmar wondered where their takeout was, the Chinese put on quite a show at the opening ceremonies of the 2008 OLympics in Beijing.

The Chinese impressed everyone with their artistic skills – the mass bongo playing, the dancing and body painting, the flying through the air – then put on a light show to prove how advanced they are, and a water show to demonstrate that Chinese + Water does indeed = Torture. They did everything but fold laundry, those wonderful Chinese.

The ceremonies began with a giant bongo show, with exactly 2,008 Chinamen slapping those huge drums like the Blue Man Group. Or the Yellow Man Group, as it were. Then came the artistic portion of the festivities. Announcers Bob Costas and Matt Lauer marveled as a handful of interpretive dancers equipped with body paint made a giant picture that your kid, or perhaps an elephant, could have painted.

Next was all the Peter Pan flying through the air business. But the joke was on them. Not only could we see the wires, but this was exactly the sort of theatrics that killed Owen Hart. These are some totally irresponsible Chinese. Finally, a bored sounding Lauer, just happy to be sitting next to someone who isn’t Couric, Curry or Viera, tried to convince viewers that this was all still awe-inspiring after two hours of it.

Then the Olympians from the two hundred and something countries walked out in some order only the Chinese can decipher – some kind of alphabet in Mandarin, or some other type of orange. All the athletes were quite wavy and happy, especially those from the surprising number of countries who came dressed as pimps. Pimp culture has taken over the world! It was a sight to behold, and even Poland and their light bulb changing Olympians walked in the right direction.

It seemed, at least to NBC’s cameras and their stupid peacock on the corner of my screen all night, that all any of the Olympians wanted were photos of themselves standing next to NBA star Kobe Bryant, as each one shouted, “Can I get another of you with my sister? Pretend you’re raping her…I said PRETEND!”

All in all it was a beautiful ceremony, and a tremendous learning experience. I personally learned about everything from Chinese history (the happy parts anyway), to what and where the newest countries are, to what passes for Olympic sports these days. From judo to Chinese checkers, it’s all happening in Beijing. Problem is, an hour later I wanted to watch more.