Up My Own Ass

The 3,000 Hit and 500 Home Run Clubs in Major League Baseball used to be pretty darn exclusive. But something happened. The old Veterans Committee, or the mob, whoever keeps tabs on baseball, have lost their collective touch. They’ll let just about anyone make it there now. You used to have some great players call it in early when they were so close.

Frank Robinson was just 57 hits shy of 3,000, but the MLB said, “Look, we’ll let Aaron in. After all, he had his life threatened with that whole chasing the Babe thing. But, you, you’ve got the 500 + home runs. That’s good enough. We don’t want too many of you guys on these lists.” As time went on, the league started getting a little generous in letting guys like Aaron and Mays in. But they were really great players, and you had to have the Hit and Home Run Club color barriers broken at some point. I mean, Jackie Robinson certainly wasn’t going to make it.

Even as far back as the beginning of baseball, why couldn’t Cap Anson or Sam Rice play just a wee bit longer and reach 3,000 hits? Because someone didn’t want them to. Sure, guys like Tris Speaker and Ty Cobb were allowed to play through. That Cobb was a nasty son of a bitch. And you have to let Honus Wagner in, what with that valuable card and all. But why were so few players reaching 3,000?

Probably because he was such a nice guy, they let Clemente get his 3,000^th before they rigged his plane to crash. But the real tragedy was Gehrig. Just seven homers away from 500, and just under 300 hits away from 3,000 when the baseball mafia gave him ALS, then named it after him! Holy shit! They must have really not wanted him in their club! You know who else never reached 3,000 hits? Ted Williams. Why do you think they sent him away for three years during WWII? They couldn’t believe it when he came back alive.

These days, however, they let just anyone in. EVERYONE is reaching 3,000 hits! Rickey Henderson. Craig Biggio. Rafael Palmeiro, for Pete’s sake! These guys collected more hits that Williams, Gehrig and Joe Fucking DiMaggio. Babe Ruth didn’t even get 3,000 hits, and he was Babe Ruth!

We must stop this from happening. As fans, we must keep the 3,000 Club sacred. If guys like Omar Visquel and Gary Sheffield think they can go where Stan Musial and Carl Yastrzemski went, they’ve got another thing coming. What can we do? Well, I don’t know. We can’t do anything too harsh. Maybe scream, “No batter!” at all their games. I mean, no need to go spreading diseases or rigging airplanes like in ye oldern days, right?

So go to the games and scream at these players. Scream at Derek Jeter! Scream at Jeff Kent! Jeff Kent will get 3,000 hits! Never, I say!