Up My Own Ass

You know what I LOVE about Christmas time?  The annual “this is how my family is doing” updates that people seem to feel compelled to share at the holidays.  I suppose I can understand the idea behind it, but the logic tangles when I liken it to a company’s annual report.  You get them, you thumb through it, then you throw it away.  Not only that,  they are really barometers of success.  It’s less about the words written in the text, and more about the quality of the paper, the photos, etc.  There is a great deal of psychology behind the letters, as well.  I received a very lovely info card from an old friend that was accordian-folded (the info card, not the friend – although THAT would be something to write about in the annual letter, but I digress), with each fold showing a picture of one of her adorable children.  Also a family picture taken at the beach.  I was fascinated at the very high-end quality of the card.  On the back, it gave a brief rundown of the year’s events.  It was like a brochure.  It was absolutely fantastic. 

There is, however, a flip side.  For every family update like that one, there are a billion circulating that are single-spaced with a 2-point font that detail every gas pain, every bout with gout, every loiter of a goiter, every gallstone (what? ME talk about my GALLSTONES?), every muscle spasm, every episode of vaginal dryness, and just a very thorough accounting of the most miserable, soul-sucking events of the previous year.  Misery loves company, especially when donning its gay apparel. 

I began to feel a little bit badly about not having sent out my OWN holiday update, as I have in the past.  So, without further ado, here is Katie’s family holiday update – conveniently made available online:

Dear Friends, Family, and distant hangers-on,

What a FABULOUS YEAR WE’VE HAD (certainly a WHIRLWIND, to say the least)!!!!  Who knew how cool it would be to receive a Congressional Medal of Honor???  Wow!  I couldn’t BELIEVE it when one became available on Ebay, and at such a LOW starting bid!  I have had so many compliments.  But enough about me.  The whole FAMILY has had a fabulous year!  Hubby is finally home from the merchant marines, and young Scooter regained the use of both of his thumbs.  After they removed the chicken bone from Billy Lee’s armpit, he was able to return to mime school.  He’s expected to graduate next August.  Charlene has been able to cut her dosage of Zoloft in half since both of her eyebrows grew back, but we haven’t completely weaned her off the Wild Turkey…you never know how important a full head of hair is until yours is literally gone in a flash.  Gammy and Pooter finally received their Mesothelioma settlement and have been touring the countryside in STYLE, but mostly on flat-land since any altitude is a struggle when you are working with a quarter of a lung.  Cousin Daryl was released EARLY for good behavior, so we are gonna be real happy to see him on New Year’s Eve…he’s bringin’ his tattoo gun and his collection of Charlie Daniels 8-tracks!!!  Well, that about covers it.  Hope you all have a blessed Hanukkah.

L’chai-im,

K to the IZZO

Peace out.