Up My Own Ass

So, the other day I am sitting at home watching a movie with my fiance (yes, there is someone who would actually agree to marry me) when the ultimate question was asked.

No, its not the “M” word… did you not read fiance above?  The marriage question has already come and gone.

What she inquired about was “the list”.  That little “to do” that is laminated in the back of every guy’s brain.  What she asked was, roughly, ”Who are the top five famous women that you would sleep with, should you be given the opportunity?”

Granted, I think it was because Keira Knightley was looking rather tasty in her scantily clad role in Pirates of the Carribean, but the topic did come up, none the less… and (gasp) I did not have an answer.

Off the hip just like that?  I can’t answer that question on the spot.  This is a sacred list that takes hours of consideration, especially when your hump-her-if-you-can resume hasn’t been updated in a while.  I guess she figured Ms. Knightley might be on my list of Christmas goodies somewhere (actually I’m kinda hoping Keira might be on the list of my wife-to-be…)

Anyway, back to my “I don’t know”.  First off, its a question you don’t immediately want to answer…like you know your going to be in the deepest-shit kind of trouble the second anything other than “I only have eyes for you” comes out of your mouth.  But, after the second guesses and mental double takes, I remember that my better half would be cool with it.  I mean she asked the question, right?  Shouldn’t I provide her with an honest answer?

Secondly, I really did have a list at one time that could be recited out of thin air, but it is so old that I couldn’t remember half of the names on it.  Is Kristy Swanson still alive?  She hasn’t done anything in a while and I am pretty sure she used to be my numero cinco.

Hmmm…

So, I start contemplating.  I think long and hard (hahaha…”long and hard.”  Wait, did I just say, “I think long and hard?” [Insert closet case joke here]), but the cogs wouldn’t turn; the itty bitty critter that controls my dirty thought processes was dead in the hamster wheel.

For a single brief moment in my adult life I didn’t have anything to say.  What!?!  I always have something to say!!!  I am the epitome of “having something to say.”  NO ONE HAS MORE TO SAY THAN ME!!!

After all of this mental tention I decide to let FHM decide for me.  Why not?  It would probably jog my memory about the A-list chicas that I would want on the old list-er-ino anyway.  Let’s give it a shot.

So I ask the Google gods for the 100 sexiest women of 2008.

I think its best to stay current.  You don’t want the sexiest women of 1957 or something like that.  They have an overabundance of garments covering them for one thing (c’mon…shoot us a nipple or something.  Janet Jackson did it), and you get someone like Sophia Loren at the top of your list and she is like 74 years old, now… BUT she is probably still cougar-ing it up, even at her age. Me-ow!

Anyway, I pull up the list on FHM and I start scanning through the names…and suddenly, it hits me.  As I browse through the names a thousand images flood my brain at once.  I think it takes longer for light to get across the room then it did for my new list to materialize in my brain.  Let’s see where FHM has them…on the mag list, not FHM online.  I think Britney Spears breaks the 100 mark on that list.  Ick!!

Scarlett Johannson is sizz-a-ling at no. 1

Leading off for the Sacramento Sexified’s (I live in Sacramento, go along with it) Number 1. Scarlett Johansson.  Ohhhhh yeah!

Her stock has dipped a little in the movie industry as of late, but her commod”titties” are still number one in my heart.  My lead-off hitter is number six on FHM’s list.  Not too shabby!

Batting second.  The shortstop.  Number 2.  Jessica Alba.  How can you even mention this list without having her on it somewhere?

Jessie, Jessie...oh so sexy!!

Let me also say that these are in no particular order.  I am sure Jessie would be leading off, but Scarlett gets on base more…you understand.   The lovely Jessica is number two on FHM’s list and number two on mine.

Petra's still got it

Batting third and playing where ever she can.  Number 3.  Petra Nemcova.

Yes, the swimsuit model.  Yes, the 2003 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition cover girl who was also in the 2001, 2004, 2005, and 2006 editions.

She is pushing thirty, but she made my list back in 2001 and seasoned veterans are much appreciated on this ball club.  Even without the 2007 or 2008 appearances in SI, Petra is still number 75 on FHM’s list and the Sexified’s are stickin’ with her.

Drizzle some Carmella on my sundae, por favor

Now batting, the clean-up hitter.  Number 4.  Carmella DeCesare.  Is she on FHM’s list?  Nah.  She’s not that important.  No big deal.  She’s only the former all-star Playmate of the Year in 2004 Carmella DeCesare.  That’s all.  Of course the Sexified’s were happy to acquire such a wonderfull asset (or set of assets) to the “organ”ization.

Welcome to the show, Ms. Knightley

There was no way around it.  I had Natalie Portman on the roster for more years then I can remember, but when you’ve got a better prospect in the minor leagues, you’ve gotta put your number five on sabbatical.  Keira has the number ten spot on FHM’s list and is a welcome addition to the big leagues.

Nah, its best to play it smart.  Work smart not hard, somebody smart once said.  Next year I’ll rotate in some ladies that are actually attainable, like an actress from a Geico commercial or something.  That one may actually come to fruition!  Yeah…that is so easy a caveman could do it!!!