Up My Own Ass

Among my recent yard sale finds was this soon-to-be-ebayed cache of old magazines with dates ranging from 1936 to 1954.  If you ever want to piss yourself laughing…this is definitely the ticket.  The ads alone are worth their weight in Crisco shortening.  Let’s have a look:

Straight out the gate, we have an ad for Ipana toothpaste, promising to “Fight Decay the BEST TASTING WAY!”  Evidently that would be achieved by some manner of pepperoni pizza additive, although that is not mentioned in the ad.  It does mention new “bacteria-destroyer WD-9″… I think I just sprayed that on my squeaky door.

Dial soap promises to award you an oil well for writing the winning two-line jingle.  You’ll have money flowing in for years!  They even give some examples of how the jingle should sound:  I’m glad I use Dial, I wish everyone would, for Dial stops odor in a way that is good.”

Wow!  A way that is GOOD, even!  That’s some fancy jingle writin’.  “I’m glad I use Dial on my crack and my pits, it keeps me from smelling like elephant….like elephant…DAMN IT, I’LL NEVER GET THIS!!!!!!”

If the ads won’t do it, the love advice will.  On Page 34 of Ladies Home Journal, October 1954, we learn all about the “True and False” of dating:

“A girl has to neck to be popular.”  False - A truly popular girl doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t WANT to do, only the things she chooses to do!  However in stark contrast, unpopular girls have to be able to deepthroat at a moment’s notice without smudging their Max Factor color-fast lipstick.  It’s the RULE, GOSH.

“It’s up to a girl to set the limits.” True - It’s a biological fact, most doctors say, that boys are more easily aroused than girls.  Biology aside, it’s a social fact that it’s the girl’s job to keep the sex in line - to draw away gently when two kisses threaten to turn into twenty or something else altogether.  So, don’t go crying to mommy when Johnny Angel mounts you in the back of his Chevy, honey, if you didn’t draw away gently.  Whore.

Well, all this talk is making me HUNGRY.  Fortunately, I can get a wonderful “fried chicken” flavor without fussing, OR FRYING…or probably even chicken, for that matter…if I cook with HOMOGENIZED SPRY!!!!  But, the ad says it’s digestible, so I should be okay, right?  I don’t know, though, I might be more in the mood for Campbell’s Soup’s recipe for Tuna and Waffles, or Salmon Shortcake…God, doesn’t that just make your MOUTH WATER?  (not dissimilar to the way one’s mouth waters just before they vomit, but I digress)

It is more than a little serendipitous that the next page features a Milk of Magnesia declaring, “My Constipation Worries Are OVER!!!”  Yes, but your diarrhea and emesis worries have just begun…

What a trip down someone else’s memory lane.  The pictures are great, and the ladies look fierce, but the day I have to make Jell-O and Caviar Madrilene for dinner to satisfy my hard-working man, or present my grocer with a silent coupon for Modess, so that no one knows my dirty little secret, is the day that I drive the heel of my $10.95 Air-Step into my own eye socket.

I’m sleepy now.  Perhaps I’ll dream I’m on a safari in my Maidenform bra.