Up My Own Ass

Whether its Cheryl Tiegs, Lillian Gish or Sharon Tate after the murders, every young boy has a handful of starlets he’s pretty keen on, dames with stems for miles or huge gazoongas.

He may write this gal a fan letter; he may write her a poem. He may Rebecca Schaeffer her right on her own front porch. Who knows? Life is silly.

In honor of lists, and the ladies who once served as my own Farrah Fawcett posteresque pseudo-fantasies dating back to my little league days, I’ve compiled a list of 15 such broads. Whether it was the twins from the series Double Trouble, teen singing sensation Debbie Gibson, or DIRECTV pitch girl Heather O’Rourke, they all meant something.

Wow. Three dead celebrity references in one intro. Am I that much of a morbid hack? Anyway…

15.  Steffi Graf/Oksana Baiul

Isn’t it lame when the first one’s a tie so they can sneak another entry in? Well, we’ll now call this the Sweet 16.

The former here probably sounds a little like bestiality, and the latter like I’m a pedophile, but my oh-so-brief stints as fans of their respective sports was due to these lovely gals. Graf, the half-brother of late Police Academy star David Graf, cleaned up nicely back in the day, and Baiul was an adorable 16-year-old Ukraine chick who made everyone forget about Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan at the 1994 Winter Olympics. This makes her only three and a half years younger than me. So shut up.

By the time Anna Kournikova and Maria Sharpova showed up, I couldn’t have cared less about tennis. As for figure skating, that Sasha Cohen is a cute one, especially in that Borat movie.

Where are they now? - No idea.

14.  Ellen DeGeneres

This was to a much lesser extent than any of the others on this list. But, just as I do today with the likes of Sarah Silverman, Tina Fey and Nikki Glaser, I loved funny women who are also a bit cute. Creepy as it sounds, I was probably the first Ellen fan. This was when she was on a FOX sitcom called Open House and had her first half-hour HBO One Night Stand. She was kind of attractive back then. She was! And very funny. Seriously!

Where are they now? - Read a magazine, for Pete’s sake

13.  Sylvia Plath

Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. Poetess, author, and a verb for shoving your head in an oven, Sylvia, born in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, was every boy’s dream: smart, beautiful, and out of her freaking mind.

Yes, in my dark period I was obsessed with Ms. Plath. Some might say I still am. Her awesome, and only, novel “The Bell Jar” was made into a movie in the late 70s, and the lovely Gwenyth Paltrow played her in a biopic, aptly titled Sylvia. She’s number 13 because women married to Ted Hughes found out just how unlucky he was, as Ted’s second wife also killed herself in 1968.

Where are they now? - Still dead

12.  Elizabeth Montgomery

Tell me Jeannie was sexier and I’ll tear your arm off.

Star of one of the greatest situation comedies of all time, Bewitched, Lizzie was every man’s dream: smart, sexy, and a frigging witch. A young Liz made numerous TV appearances prior to this classic, including “Alfred Hitchcock Presents,” “The Untouchables,” and “The Twilight Zone.” She would later star as Lizzie Borden in “The Legend of Lizzie Borden.”

Where are they now? - Also still dead

11.  Dian Parkinson

When I was a mere pre-teen I would watch “The Price is Right” every day during school vacation. Mommy thought it was because I loved Plinko or watching a yodeling mountaineer fall off a cliff.

No, it was Dian.

A full six years older than my own mother, Dian was the sexy “Price is Right” goer who went on to appear in Playboy and sue Bob Barker for sexual harrassment, prompting many a hack comedian to go to the “spayed or neutered” joke.

Where are they now? - Who cares?

If this list isn’t complete shite so far, stay tuned for Parts 2 and 3, and the Top 10 coming soon…