Up My Own Ass

… be sure to read Part 1 and Part 2.

Like Casey Kasem and every stupid magazine and Internet site on the planet, we’ve been doing a little countdown here. A Top 15, because I shant be contained by the number 10, and 20 is just too crazy. I mean, who am I? Dr. Demento?

But now we’ve reached the Top 5. The ladies I forgot all about once I met my wife. The ones who marked my insanity from the ages of 12 all the way up to 27. The greats, the beauties, the Top 5 birds on my own ridiculous all-time list. And they are…

5. Melissa Reeves

Thanks to my mom, I was raised on the soap opera Days of Our Lives. Summers were always about The Price is Right, the noon news and lunch, followed by a young Tom Bergeron and his local program People Are Talking, then Days, or DOOL, as uber fans call it. I was probably but a wee lad of 11 when I began seriously getting into the show, and that was precisely the year that Melissa Brennan, later Melissa Reeves, debuted on the show at age 18.

There were other dolls on this famous serial: Mary Beth Evans as Kayla Brady; Tracy Middendorf, and then Christie Clark as Carrie Brady; heartthrob quarterback Tom Brady. And Stefano DiMera? A sexier villain there never was!

But who cared about these seemingly countless other characters when there was young (or to me old, but not like some of the others on this list) Jennifer Horton. I remember being in college and scheduling my classes around DOOL, like so many other schoolgirls did.

Then, in 1995, tragedy struck when Melissa abruptly left the show and was replaced by some woman named Stephanie Cameron. “Whore!” I screamed. Who the hell was SHE to play the part of Jennifer Horton Devereuax? I toiled for five years watching this pretender play the part only my Missy could play. Joy and bliss ruled once again in 2000 when Melissa returned. By the time she left the show again in 2006, I had long since stopped watching this horse shit.

4. Devon/Devin

While Tiffany Mynx was my first love in the world of the pornographic features, Devon was the ultimate starlet. Who cares if a gal has had her tits and most of her face done? Hot is hot, and Devon, the former Vivid girl (you might call her a “porn star”), is hot.

Born Kristie Maria Lisa in Allentown, PA (made famous by Billy Joel with that wonderful tune, appropriately titled “Allentown”) on March 28, 1977, this former Penthouse pet got her start in the world of pornography in 1998. When I saw her on the ole Howard Stern Show, back when I listened to and watched that crap, I fell in love. So, of course, I had to have all her films, this fine young actress. That’s right. I purchased pornography once upon a time. Film with titles such as Where the Boys Aren’t 13, Asstroids, and Pussy Grinders.

Devon, now 31, left Vivid apparently in 2006 and now works for Shane’s World. Good girl. Keep it up!

3. Jennifer Love Hewitt

I have a very good friend who places this gal somewhere between Janet Reno and Lassie in the looks department. He enjoys e-mailing me photos of Ms. Hewitt with penises cleverly Photoshopped on her, along with other nasty items. The bastard.

Wikipedia refers to Love as “an American actress and singer-songwriter.” Yeah, she’s Joni Frigging Mitchell. This young Waco, TX gal got her start on the ingenious television program Kids Incorporated. “K! I! D! S!”

After a few unsuccessful television programs and an adorable little film called Little Miss Millions, she hit it big by landing the role of Sarah Reeves on the tragicomedy Party of Five. She also starred in the abysmal POF spin-off Time of Your Life. This was a horrendous show, but it featured both Hewitt and Jennifer Garner as roommates, so you bet I was watching every damn episode. Problem was, it was basically about nothing, which is fine for comedies like Seinfeld, but the definition of drama is that something has to happen!

Love’s film career went from I Know What You Did Last Summer to a bunch of movies no one has ever heard of, but lucky for her this Ghost Whisperer show is something of a hit. And just look at that Maxim photo, eh?

2. Juliana Hatfield

There were many 90s alternative rock goddesses in my life: from Veruca Salt’s Nina Gordon and Louise Post to Letters to Cleo’s Kay Hanley to Garbage’s Shirley Manson. But none of them could compare to the incomparable singer-songwriter Juliana Hatfield.

From beautiful Duxbury, Mass, the lovely Miss Hatfield got her start with the indie rock band Blake Babies. They produced some fantastic albums such as “Earwig” and “Sunburn,” but soon Juliana went solo, like George Michael and Squeaky Fromme. In 1992 she released “Hey Babe,” then followed it up with “Become What You Are” which produced the hit singles, “My Sister” and “Spin the Bottle.” And Jules was a star! Like Madonna or Lizzie Borden!

I first saw Hatfield on Conan O’Brien, swooned like a little girl, and told my girlfriend I was leaving her, to which she replied she was not my girlfriend, but my History professor and my paper on the American Revolution was long overdue.

Anyway, after these two still-awesome solo albums, Juliana steadily started to fall downhill musically, in my opinion. Nonetheless, in 2000, on her tour of every Newbury Comics store in New England, I met this lovely gal - twice in one day, like a stalker, and managed to spit out the words, “Hi,” and “Thanks.” What wit! What charm!

Over time I’ve collected about 30 CDs, a half dozen bootleg videos, several posters, T-shirts, and live concert memories of Juliana. But, due to the terms of the restraining order, I was forced to move from Massachusetts to Arizona, which makes little sense to me, as she does most of her work these days in Los Angeles.

1. Calista Flockhart

Here she is, ladies and gentlemen! You might know her as the anorexic stick figure married to old man Han Solo and currently playing Laura Ingraham on some show with Sally Field. But when this boy saw the movie The Birdcage, amid all the laughing I was doing, I again fell completely in love. For the part of Barbara Keeley was being played by the most beautiful woman I had seen up to that time. “And what a lovely name!” I said when I watched the credits. And then, the following September, Ally McBeal premiered. Holy shit! I skipped WRESTLING on Monday nights to watch that beautiful program. Not since the days of Kate & Allie did I do that!

To give you an idea of how crazy in love I was, I wrote a wonderful short story, titled, “Calista Flockhart and the MySpace Hoax.” The part about Calista in the story - that was me. I was that insane. I once bought a T-shirt on eBay with Flockhart’s picture on it. I should have been put in a straight jacket.

Eventually Ms. Flockhart got thinner and thinner, and Ally started sucking, and now I couldn’t give a shit about her and don’t watch that awful siblings show she’s in. But back then, my God was I smitten!

So there you have it. Point at me and laugh.