Up My Own Ass

Do you love your pet enough? Are you sure?

If you need something to put cat food in, and you walked into the pet store, what isle would you go down? Would you pickup the Bergan 5 Quart Galvanized Pet Feeder that you see on the left there for $3.99? Maybe your cat is sort of a dick… maybe he just gets the 3 Quart?

Or maybe you are one of those ass-suckers that goes to Lowes and asks for empty shipping boxes and uses that? Or better yet, just throws a dinner plate down on the floor with some food on it, letting the pet fend for them self, throwing food every which way and the wide flat surface making it hard for them to get mouth-fulls of food.

Does that sound like you? If it does then save me a seat in hell… cause you are definitely going… and I’m not sure if I’m going to make it or not… I still have to buy my tickets, and Janice hasn’t paid me back yet… it’s a big mess. Just save me a seat and stop whining about it.

Now, if you decided that Hell isn’t where you want to end up and you love your pet, you might consider the Perfect Petfeeder by Pillar Pets.

While the picture on the right doesn’t quite do it justice the unit is almost 2 feet tall, looks like a giant espresso machine, is made like an Italian sports car, contains all stainless steel washable parts, empty alarm, flexible timing and portion computer and is capable of keeping your pet’s soul in limbo until you are done grieving; at which point the Perfect Petfeeder will release your pet’s soul into heaven and immediately disintegrate. It’s all covered in the warranty… that’s Section 24D, Revision 4: “The Power of Christ Compels the Perfect Petfeeder”

Oh yea, and it’s $500.

The Perfect Petfeeder reminds me of the other ultra-luxury items that become available to consumers at ridiculous price points so poser shit-heads can buy them and pretend they own their own restaurant, or that they are doing their pet a favor… maybe even that their pet is happier with the semi-conscious soul-trap living in their house, feeding them… holding their very lives in it’s calculating hands.

I don’t think they are, I think they just like getting fed; mostly because it keeps them alive and probably because it helps them shit, which is something to do during the day between spraying my couch in urine and eating the $80 cables behind my TV.

Gotta break that monotony up somehow and it seems like vomiting in the general vicinity of everywhere in my house got old.

In summary, I think it’s important to know what kind of pet-owner you are, so I’ve constructed a easy-reference matrix:

• Food Pan: You are going to hell
• Perfect Petfeeder: You are sophisticated, smart, funny and definitely going to heaven.

Naturally… I just bought one.